I Am Music, And I Write The Songs

This Week's Hot Jams For Your Computer To Play
Slayer- "Angel Of Death"
Nice fucking cliche. Let me guess, you probably have a songs called Necropheliac, Postmortem, and/or Skeletons of Society, right? No shit? I can't believe I just guessed that! Well, I'm sure Slayer probably got most of their song titles from some high school kid's TrapperKeeper- scrawled in red pen, right next to a picture of a disproportionate skull with horns and fangs and shit. I remember this one time in 9th grade when Kyle Feliks and I had the same art class and we were just getting into satan and drawing skulls on our Converse an' shit and we made "Color Books Of Death" in Mr. Petersen's intro to art class- we had it all, Tertiary Tumors, Complimentary Contusions, Secondary Slit Wrists, Primary Corpses, and something called the Monochromatic Massacre (all great prospective Slayer song titles by the way). It must be nice being in a Satanic thrash band, you don't even have to be clever, just into gross, dumb shit and Satan. That said, Slayer fucking rules. Sometimes it's like fuck yeah, metal and Satan. Other times it's like what the fuck is everybody doing soloing at the same time? Other times it's like how the fuck does Kerry King wear that nail armband thing without snaggin' some sack? As dark as Slayer is, there has to be some hilarious anecdote about the nail armor thing poking someone in the dick. I can't even walk through a room without hilariously hitting my nuts on something. I can't imagine having an armband on with 6" spikes poking out.
I'm not a big fan of the whole metal genre, per se. I like the classics, Judas Priest, Dio, Motorhead, Metallica (with Cliff). And I feel kinda like a dick for liking some of Slayer's stuff because nobody really likes black or thrash metal except for loser Norwegians who nickname themselves "Vlad" or some dumb fucking name from The Hobbit. I mean, when's the last time someone put on a Venom record without laughing? So it can be said I'm one of those posers who likes their metal over-the-top for the sake of irony, and for that I suck and will be denied entrance to the 9th circle of Hell.
This track is amazing. It's a definite go-to jam when people talk Slayer. You may recognize it from the new Volkswagen commercial. Just kidding. You may however recognize the riff from Public Enemy's '(She Watch) Channel Zero.' And it's at that time of recognition that you thank your lucky inverted pentagrams that it was P.E. and not the Beastie Boys who used the riff- cuz the Beastie Boys rub your rhubarb the wrong way and She Watch Channel Zero still shreds to this day. Slay on.

Peter & Gordon - "I Go To Pieces"
Simon and Garfunkel, Chad & Jeremy, Boyce & Hart, Loggins & Messina, Hall & Oates, Captain & Tennille, Bob & Doug, 10-Speed & Brownshoe, Ace and Gary, Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, Bill S. Pressman, Esq. & Ted Theodore Logan, Stapp & Rock all couldn't hold a candle to Peter & Gordon. Well, actually they could, I was just into my duos there for a second and then it was like what the fuck kind of clever thing can I say to finish this sentence? Anyway, I love me some P&G. I think they're probably one of the most overlooked British Invasion duos in the history of the Earth. I Go To Pieces was written by Del Shannon, not Paul McCartney, who not so incidentally was ramping-up on Peter's sister, actress Jane Asher. Oh, the scandal! How do you sleep? Anyway, P&G did a bunch of McCartney-penned jammies (A World Without Love), this weren't one of 'em. This is just one of those timeless jams that is so dated, you just about want to throw your calendar out and use a sun dial.

Retractions/Corrections

Some hilarious anonymous guy left a comment correcting my use of "mullet" on mike Ricci's hair. I appologize for any confusion or grief this may have caused him. Mike Ricci's hair is indeed not a mullet- it's just long hair. Fortunately, this incredulous samaritan did the fact-checking for me (I didn't even pay him) and "corrected" me. Whew! Thanks for that. However, Mike Ricci's hair used in conjunction with a black Bauer 4000 model hockey helmet gives the distinct impression of a "mullet." It's almost like a hybrid or some shit-not unlike Robocop- a category unto itself. Hopefully the term "hockey hair" will satisfy any concerned parties. I hereby officially retract my mullet statement. That said, the "assbag" statement stays. And that still is Mike Ricci's fault.
-Ed.

Rapper-Slash-Actorz

Oh, how the hip hop. While I am indeed excited about the new Poseidon movie-it's got a tidal wave that rivals The Day After Tomorrow's (as far as laser-animation waves go) I am more boner-prone about how well rapper/actors have been doing on the silver screen lately. So much so, in fact, and hitherto, I will refer to said Silver Screen as the Platinum Screen henceforth (or at least until there's a trendier metal in the hip-hop community). What makes me think this is the dawn of the golden age of....shit, all this metal and bling just makes me wanna roll out and get up on some Laffy Taffy. So without any further ado, I present to yes, yes, y'all,
LEGENDZ OF THE PLATINUM SCREEN .

L.L. Cool J- Deep Blue Sea
Ladies do love cool James, know what I'm sayin'? Especially when he licks his lips, know what I'm sayin'? The ladies also love it when you're doing Mtv's Unplugged and your armpits are coated with white clumps of deodorant, know what I'm sayin'? Alas, L.L., sometimes it pays to wear a shirt (or a parrot). Anyway, L.L., future of the funk, managed to land a juicy role in 1999's Deep Blue Sea- a movie about a group of smart great white sharks who attack and eat a bunch of scientists and presumably crap their nerd left-overs out into the ocean. Uncle L's performance as Sherman "Preacher" Dudley, can be summarized as fucking awesome. It can also be summarized with this memorable quote: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest motherfucker in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?
L.L. went on to do many interesting movies, including but not limited to: Rollerball.

Ice T- Leprechaun In The Hood
You know what I say. I want me gold! And Ice T delivers it in this inexcusable 5th installment in the Leprechaun series. Did I miss something? I don't recall The Leprechaun doing well at the box office, let alone the 3 other ones after the original. I'm a little suspicious. Did anybody check to see if Leprechaun 3 and 4 ever even came out? They may have pulled a fast one on us, because as we all know, the 5th installment of a movie series is usally the paydirt box office gold. And the Leprechaun wants it! Ice T's part in this jam is, well, small. He rarely gets the chance to shine like he did in New Jack City or John Wayne Bobbit's Frankenpenis - except when he smokes a joint with the Leprechaun, then it's a fucking O.G. Ice is currently a pimp (doi) and on Law & Order SVU or one of the seven CSI's currently on TV. And, God willing, there will be a Body Count reunion soon. Cop Killer!

Ice Cube- Anaconda, Are We There Yet?
Olivier, Geilgood, Cube. Seriuosly, Cube is flexin' nuts. Ice Cube is the best actor who boss'd up from tha game. Only Mos Def is as talented- and that's probably because most people saw Mos Def in The Italian Job before they ever heard one of his records. Cube gets extra points for his genius portrayal of "Craig" in the Friday series. How can you argue with the masterful delivery of the line: "Ever hear of El Nino? Well, this is El Negro..."? Stanislavsky would have just about creamed his jeans. Are We There Yet marks cubes departure from high-art cinema (Ghosts Of Mars, Barbershop) to the the tawdry "family movie" genre. I don't want to say Cube is a punk bitch, but it's a far cry from "When I'm called off, I got a sawed off/Squeeze the trigger, and bodies are hauled off/You too, boy, if ya fuck with meThe police are gonna hafta come and get me off yo ass, that's how I'm goin out, for the punk motherfuckers that's showin out/Niggaz start to mumble, they wanna rumble/Mix 'em and cook em in a pot like gumbo/Goin' off on a motherfucker like that with a gat that's pointed at yo ass." Let's just hope that he gets back to the real gangsta shit, giant snake movies.

Snoop Dogg- Bones, Soul Plane
There's so much drama in the S.A.G. it's hard being Snoop D-o-double g. Snoop Dogg wins for the most endearing gangsta/actor. You can't help but love the fucking high-on. I mean white bitches are all on his jock. The fact that he actually has an uncle named Junebug also helps. While his acting career started with some questionable choices in gay porn (Hot Boyz, 3 The Hard Way) Snoop is finally hitting his stride. Soul Plane offered Snoop the opportunity to stretch and play the role of his career: Captain Mack, the pilot of a black-owned airline. Who could forget the line: " This is your soul plane chauffeur Captain Antoine Mack speaking. Welcome aboard NWA flight 069 from the 310 to the 212. It's time to bust this coney y'all. In a hot second, I'll be hittin' them switches and gettin' this bitch pumpin' and jumpin'. So screw your shit on tight and enjoy the flight." Coach Snoop will be released later this year.

Honorable mentionz:
RZA- Ghost Dog, Soul Plane
Fat Joe- Urban Menace
Busta Rhymes- Halloween Resurrection, Finding Forrester
Mos Def - The Italian Job
Method Man/ Redman- How High

Face/Off

As I watched the Mighty Detroit Red Wings phone-in the final game of the regular season against the Nashville Predators (sick), it dawned on me that Nashville's head coach, Barry Trotz, is totally fucking creeped-out looking. Then I thought shit-dog, there's a lot of fugly guys in the NHL. Of course, it doesn't help that broken noses, scars, and missing teeth are pre-reqs, but man, some of these guys went face first down the Fucking Ugly Tree. So, in honor of the playoffs starting this Friday, here's my short-list of THE FUGLIEST GUYS IN HOCKEY.
Go Wings.
1. Barry Trotz. Coach for Nashville Predators. Looks like your creepy uncle who wore too many silver rings in the.....wait a second. Barry Trotz is the motherfucker in Coven!










2. Tim Hunter. Ok, he doesn't play anymore. This was Jim's pick for the ugliest guy. And after careful consideration, I'd say um, yeah.

3. Darren McCarty. God bless him. The City of Detroit loves him and should pay off his $6 million debt for what he brought to the Red Wings. But he's a Flame in Calgary now, so fuck him (game on, bitch!).

4. Tie Domi. I hate this dirt-ass. By the way, Toronto wins for the ugliest team ever. Seriously. I included this picture with the blood because he's a cheap-shot thug and always has blood all over his dirt-ass poop face.

5. Chris Mason. Nashville strikes again. This tool used to play bass in an S.O.D. tribute band. Then he went bald and grew a sweet-ass beard and tends goal for a shitty franchise team . What an ugly turd.

6. Darien Hatcher. What more can I say? You're fucking ugly. And you were never a Red Wing. You were just a crappy ugly guy who showed up at the locker room to sniff jocks.

7. The Sedins, Daniel and Henrik . Two of the ugliest fucking twins ever. They get the special WE LOOK EXACTLY LIKE RONNY AND DONNY BLUME AWARD. Get your head out of your ass!

8. Bryan Marchment. O.K., he probably wouldn't look so bad if he got his nose lined-up. But then again, Scoliosis wouldn't exist if you could just line shit up.

9. Mike Ricci. Hands-down the ugliest man to ever play hockey at the professional level. Is currently in the running for the ugliest guy pretty much ever. Some things are genetic, and some things are your own fault. The mullet was your own fault, assbag. Seriously, I think I'm going to puke. Ugliness so nice I had to show you twice. The other image is of Geddy Lee, leader of the kick-ass Canadian rock band, Rush.

10. Finally, I just had to put one more in to make an even ten-ski. So here's Bobby Hull. Just because I love you.

I've Got Rhythm.

It has been said that most of my talents could be classified as parlor talents. And, while that may be true, I have one thing the other naysaying rathscallions do not: taste. And while there still may be no accounting for taste, there most certainly is elucidation. So for those of you who blenched when I told you 2006 will mark the 4th and final wave of Ska music, it's time to pay the fiddler(or trombonist). While there may not yet be broad physical evidence of dabblings in the Ska arts, there is a malevolent undercurrent of rudeness thriving in the new lot of bands out in 2006. Mark my words! Let's talk turkey.
Downloaded Jamz 4 Thiz Week
Bill Withers- Ain't No Sunshine - Motherfucker clocks in at 2:04. That's two minutes, four seconds. Bill Withers is all, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know this song is a fucking jam, so suck on it!" And we suck on it for two minutes, four seconds....then hit repeat. Or, if you're old school, you hit Rev/Rew on the deck. It's still 99 cents, so you will pause for a second before committing to purchase, but you just end up playing the shit out of it anyway, for like 8 minutes, 16 seconds.
Terry Reid- Silver White Light - Thanks to Johnny Krautner for turning me on to this dude. Apparently, as legend has it, Jimmy Page asked this guy to be Zeppelin's singer before Plant. After you hear his voice, you kinda wonder if Zepp would have skimped on the wizard and fairy shit and been a little more Faces/Humble Pie (had Tare got the gig). Although most of that was Page's fault. So like who fucking knows? Maybe some Gnomes? But then there would be no Stairway. And I'm not sure I'm ready to contemplate an existence with no Stairway. Where's my tokestone and my Alister Crowley manuscripts?
Margo Guryan- California Shake - Another Krautner jam. Johnny is the best. I know very little about Margo Guryan, except that she is a fucking genius...and that Michelle Potter is a fan.This release from the 70's sounds better than most the shit that came out last year. Songs like this make me think that some people "shine," just like Scatman Crothers in that one movie. And then sometimes I think about dumb shit like naming my new ska band Ska-tman Crothers. And then I go to my lonely place and cry. But then like the next day, I wake up with a renewed sense of hope, only to realize that I just had a thought about my new ska band and fucking off myself right there.

New Sting Ray Species Found, Yeah, O.K., Whatever!

Well, fuck me, Science has done it again: Found a new species of freshwater Sting Ray in Thailand. While this new science "discovery" may be interesting to science lesbians and pith-helmeted, monocle-wearing, bermuda-shorted, dickduster-ed world explorer guys, I think it's totally a fake! I mean, have you seen the pictures of this so-called new species, Himantura kittipongi? It looks exactly like Urolophus halleri but with little blue dots painted all over it! If you're going to tell me that the key speciel, yes, speciel differentiation is "the stingray has 12 to 14 rows of teeth on its lower jaw -- and like some blue-ish kinda dots, or whatever..." then I say fuck to you, scientists! Just because Science is bored, doesn't mean it's time to start painting perfectly good stingrays with dots. Just to prove how easy it is to fake people out with science, I'm going to show you my newly discovered species of Yoko Ono.
See? I didn't even use paint like the Thai scientists did. It stinks of the Giant Squid photo hoax of 2005. National Geographic? More like National Totally-Fake-a-graphic. Bet you didn't think your ass was going to school today, did you?

Hey, Marianne!

I just had to share this little picture with you. In an earlier post, I said that Marianne Faithfull was still "kinda hot, if you're into that whole Detroit-Bar-Hag thing." When I wrote that, I had a picture in mind- some image of a hag at a bar smoking her umpteenth ciggy, surrounded by half-full glasses of Old Crow. I tried different image searches, including "Detroit Hag", "Bar Hag," "White Trash Drunk," "Hillbilly Drunk," and "Hillbilly Porn," just to, you know, see what the hell that would be like. The image I had in my head did not show up. That was until I actually did a "Marianne Faithfull" search! Eureka!

Context.

I've been busy thinking of better swear words. My friend Chris told me about the Nebraskan expression, "shitballs" which definitely has upper-management written all over it. I came up with "cocksnot" and "Jimney Crickets!" I didn't really get to espouse on swearing in context (not to be confused with Dr. Melvin Taint's book by the same name). I'll make this short. It may or may not come as a surprise that while I don't like authors cheating dirty words out of their rightful gravitas, I am a huge fan of conjunctions such as Fugly (Fucking Ugly), Ass'ounder(Ass Pounder) and Too'beej'er (Toothy Blowjob)-(not to be confused with the Thin Lizzy album of the same name). You never know in mixed company, and I hate to tread on the fine line between an honest-to-goodness swear and euphemism. While a conjunction stands for a couple words parted-out, a euphemism will suggest words by replacing them altogether. Example: instead of calling someone an ass-fucker, fudge packer could be used to talk about an alleged ass-fucker in a family restaurant or amusement park setting. Now, as crude as that example might be, we've all known some fudge packers in our respective days. As a matter of fact, fudge packing can be the perfect Summer job for college students trying to earn a few extra bucks for that Abercrombie & Fitch pre-worn baseball cap over the break. Anyway, context is a very valuable swearing tool is all. Just like comedy, timing can be as important as every comedian's list of Black/White and Men/Women jokes. Hey, what's the deal with Black people? Oh, right, black people jokes aren't funny (unless Chris Rock is doing them...right? Can I say that? Oh. Well, strike that, then. How about Lou Diamond Phillips?) Hey, What's the deal with White people!? Serious situations call for serious swears....or do they? Sometimes when you're hanging out with sailors, you find yourself at the mercy of a crap-storm of profanities. What better time to use a clever swear like "banana hammock," or how about an olde fashioned men's locker room curse,"Nut Talc!"? Of course, the latter only sounds convincing if it's followed with an "old sport!" Context.
This Week's downloaded jamz-
Fugazi- Furniture
Sometimes you think it's like 1991 and you're in a skate video, but it's 2006 and you never could even ollie. This is from the Furniture E.P., which came out after Red Medicine( I think)- but it's jams that sound like they were recorded around the time of Repeater, so they weren't so Kraut-swamp-reggae. They still relied on Ian crescendoing with a swear word, as he always has- Did you fuckin' get it?! This time it's BULLSHIT! I wish I was in Fugazi. Except, not so righteous. Because I am what I own.
Marianne Faithfull- In My Time Of Sorrow
Baroque pop has never sounded so rococo...or maybe it leans more toward late Mannerism. I don't know if I love Marianne Faithfull's voice as much as 17th Century art movements, but I think I like it enough to buy her albums on eBay. And if you've ever seen her in The Rock And Roll Circus, you too may have a small crush on her- or the idea of her at the time. Mick did. And he's a fucking genius. What makes you so special? She like definitely should have been killed by Roman Polanski or Manson or something- maybe Brian Wilson should have suffocated her with his inability to finish anything in a timely manner. It just would have been more romantic than releasing Broken English. Although, she is still kind of hot, if you're into the whole Detroit-chain-smoking bar-hag thing.
The Dirty Mac- Yer Blues
This is what happens when a bunch of dudes from different bands smoke and drink and play music together. It's called a jam session - not unlike when your band, Tazer, aligns forces with you cousin Doug's band, Bloodsport and you guys get together every other Thursday in hopes of hittin' some kick-fucking-ass open mic nights in the summertime. Solo, motherfucker! I think it's in E!

FIDDLESTICKS!

Oh, fiddlesticks!
In an attempt to sound not so "abrasive", I have decided to replace my usual four-letter trick bag of "fuck," "shit," and uh....um....you see, it isn't that simple anymore, is it? Let's face it, people who like to drink deep from the lexicon of profane language (and mixed metaphors) have outgrown their (your) parents' swear, curse, dirty, or cuss words. Even I have outgrown my starter set of words that are somewhere around four-letters (Hell, Fuck, Shit, tits, etc.). It would seem that while a well-placed "fuck" might indeed be "tits," there are more appropriate, complex, and interesting vocabulary choices for the job- "tittyfuck" for example.
Many of yesterday's swears have become so commonplace, that their effect is negligible. I mean how effective is it when you say "My damned car got stolen!" When you could be more emphatic and concerned-sounding when you say "My fucking car got stolen!" And just by whipping a few other swears in there, you actually might sound affected: "Fuck me, those fucking douche-bags just fucking stole my fucking car...fuck!" See?
Words like damn are like the dang crummy words they use in television versions of movies on like TNT or ABC's Saturday Night Movie. Which, by the way, is a kick-fucking-ass event unto itself- especially when it's Goodfellas or Casino. Freak you! Personally, I use "damned" so often and so flippantly in actual adult conversation that whenever I order food from a restaurant, I have no problem chucking a few D-bombs in there: "yes, I'll have the damned filet, and can you make damn sure it's done medium, Higgins?" And the waiter is all, "Yes, sir would you like Ranch or Soutwestern-style sauce with your Jalepeno Poppers?" And it's like sometimes you have to self-monitor because you're so hungry and excited about ordering food and you know you shouldn't swear, but you're thinking: "Motherfucker, I am sooo fucking having the filet, I'm not even fucking joking. And, I'll have the baked potato and fucking drown that bitch in motherfucking grade A sour cream, and step on it, cocksucker!"
On Bravo's Inside The Actor's Studio, James Lipton always concludes with the now famous questionnaire, developed by Bernard Pivot ( I think he's the Oprah of France, except white and straight). One of the questions is " What's your favorite curse word?" which, by the way, has been omitted from the "personality survey" on the ITAS web site (I'm Gene Motherfucking Hackman, by the way). Sidebar- contextual swearing is also a sign of sophisticated profanity. If I say Gene Fucking Hackman, it sounds sarcastic or unfulfilling, like a cup-muted trumpet should sound, not unlike the sound heard when someone fucks himself at Cliff Hangers on The Price Is Right. But if I say Gene Motherfucking Hackman, it sounds like someone's going to get his ass kicked in the back seat of a '68 Lincoln Continental. And to not make that sound so macho, your assailant would be tastefully dressed in a custom tailored Myer Hoffman of Saint John, New Brunswick suit and a porkpie hat. Anyway, it never ceases to amaze me how unoriginal our celebs are when it comes to swearing. Of course Christopher Walken can make "Heck!" sound as effective as fuck, so we'll just exclude him from this conversation. And I have to commend Steven Speilberg for saying his favorite curse word is "Rats!" because "Rats!" is pretty much the best swear ever. But when I hear bitches like Mel Gibson say his favorite curse word is shit, I'm like whatever, asshead! All celebrities have to do is be a little creative when it comes to profane slang. You can generate a whole shitcart of better swear words by simply adding an adjective as a prefix or suffix. Example: Mel Gibson is a fucking jerk of an actor/director. That's all well and nice, but why not embellish fuck with something? Example: Mel Gibson is a fuck-knob jerk of an actor/director/etc... Fuck-knob is good because knob is a funny word all by itself and shit. Or, if you're not totally into that, how about fuck-slap, fuck-lips, fuck-face, fuck-nut, or even fuck-nugget (I researched this one) . Or, maybe you're even into white-washing fences, Fuckleberry! Another bullshitty thing is when authors of books (whatever.) try to creatively spell bad words so they aren't so shocking. A good example would be Stephen King's use of goddamit, as opposed to the heavily-satanic "God damn it!" As if spelling it differently is going to save your blackened soul from eternal damnation. Another one that authors use often is "sonofabitch," which probably has more to do with economy, than anything else. But still, it doesn't look as good or sound as effective as son of a bitch! Shit. Anyway, I should probably stop writing about this before the heat comes down on my shit. Ifeel so dirty! So, for shits:
TOP 10 SWEARS OF ALL TIME
1. Motherfucker.
2. Dipshit.
3. Ass-bag (interchangeable w/ Ass-hat)
4. Dickweed.
5. Fuck-face.
6. Cocksucker.
7.Bitch-tits.
8.Does cameltoe count?
9.Dickslap.
10.Apeshit.
This list is neither comprehensive, nor exhaustive.