Well, it's that time of the year to reflect on the goings-on of what has gone on this year and try to make some dumb sense of all the flotsam. While the whole concept of doing a year review is a bit played out- everyone does it, but do it good? they? Case in point- Martha Stewart's list included her recipe for "Doily-Wrapped Hamptons Cafe Dunkers," which taste exactly like her Chesepeake Morning Breakfast Squares recipe from 2001! Martha, my dear, fool me once shame on you... a fooled man can't get fooled again. And let's not forget Wine Fancier's unacceptable #2 wine this year: Clos La Chance 2003 Buff Bellied Zinfandel Central Coast (issued 2006). What were you thinking?! This overrated Zin from California lacks the white pepper push that the 2004 Buce De Ratone Dasher Zinfendel had in motherfucking spades. And the last time I checked, black cherry undertones are about as en vogue as Ug boots on hott Hollywood bitches named Misha. It's as if there never was a Joseph Swan 1997 Sonoma Valley Stellwagen Vineyard Zinfandel ever produced! Hey Wine Fancier- save that varietal bullshit for some sorry-ass Napa Valley corksniffers who give a dang. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's break it down.
Movies: Hot 7 2006
1. Lady in the Water- Citizen Kane, The Birth Of A Nation, 2001: A Space Odessey, Casablanca, and An Occurance At Owl Creek Bridge had better make some room on Prof Scorsese's Introduction to Film course syllabus for Lady In The Water. People will be talking about the plot twist at the end of this motherfucker for years. Surprise twist? The only thing I was surprised about was that they only charged $9.00 to see this bitch! I would have gladly paid $14.50 to slather on some of that Shyamalan.
2. Apocolypto- Say what you will about Mel Gibson being a drunken jew-hater and self-proclaimed owner of Malibu, the dude can roll tape! Motherfuckers are all like hmmm, let's do another bullshit Civil War, Bible epic, or Western movie. Mel's all, nah. Let's get Mayan on their asses. Cue the fucking jaguars! Cue the fucking awesomeness (in subtitles).
3. Miami Vice. Murphy/Nolte, Glover/Gibson, Tucker/Chan, Crystal/Hines, Foxx/Ferrell. While Foxx/Ferrell were striving for Travolta/Cage box office magic, they had to settle for...well, Jackson/Cage box office magic. Good for them! Good boys! Who's a good boy?! You're a good boy!4. Dreamgirls- it's like Ray but without Jamie Foxx. Oh. O.K. it's like Ray. Beyonce is in it, right? Ooooh, she got a fat ass! My only criticism is there should have been more cameos by those white guys who were in That Thing You Do! Big ups to Danny Glover for reprising his classic "i'm gettin' too old for this shit!" line.
5. The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift. Tokyo Drift isn't a real term. They just made it up to sound cool. As a matter of fact, there are a few sequels coming out in 2007 that use the same subtitle: One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest 2: Tokyo Drift and Ordinary People 2: Tokyo Drift. Folks at Ordinary People 2 are banking on extreme sports enthusiasts and "gamers" to bolster the sequal to the 1980 drama about a teenager living in the aftermath of the death of his brother and trying to overcome grief and misplaced guilt to the extent of a suicide attempt.
6. Poseidon. Hands down, the best ending scene to a movie since Basilisk: The Serpent King. Well, maybe that's a stretch. How a bout the ending to Deep Blue Sea. Let's see if i can sum this up in three points: 1. Richard Dreyfuss plays a gay. 2. Jacinda from The Real World. 3. The black guy dies first. Shocker. 7. We Are Marshall. A McConaughey sports jam. Need I say more?
Moreover, it should be noted that 2006 was a triumphant year in cinema. if this list doesn't impress you, just wait for the academy awards.
Top 5 music songs 2006
I only listen to music that they use in commercials and television.
1. Double Vision- Foreigner for Burger King
2. I Walk The Line- Megan Wyler for Levi's
3. I Turn My Camera On- Spoon for Jaguar
4. Some Kinda Wonderful- Grand Funk Railroad for Kraft Mayo
5.Brighter Discontent- The Submarines as lip sync'd by the cast of Nip/Tuck*
*possibly the most uncomfortable television moment this year. It's a good thing they "jumped the shark" in the first episode of season 2.
Top Television 2006
1. Flip This House
2. Nip/Tuck Season 4 excluding finale and Rosie O'Donnell porn.
3. Girls Next Door
4. 30 Rock
5. The Office
6. Project Runway
7. Top Chef
8. Rock Star Supernova
Science & Technology
1. Gigantic Fake Squid "caught"
2. Uranus
3. Scientists determine that newly discovered planet is actually made out of paper mache.
4. Apple fails to make last year's ipod obsolete.
5. Rap Mogul invents 36" rims
6. Blu-Ray technology ends up sucking
7. Independent study shows the term "Blogosphere" is gay.
Clebrities 'n' Shit 2006
1. Steve Irwin killed by gigantic squid
2. Britney Spears' thing
3. Paris Hilton's thing
4. Lindsay Lohan's thing
5. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes get cold sores, wrassle with Matt Lauer, get married, and are only one audit away from losing embarrassing "Operator Thetan" title and acheiving "Chauffeur Thetan" titles.
6. Madonna rocks leotard, kidnaps African baby.
7. Diddy moisturizes his situation.
8. Lance Bass and Neil Patrick Harris turned gay.
9. Emmitt Smith wins Dancing With the Stars
In Memoriam
Ed Bradley
Peter Boyle
Steve Irwin
Chris Penn
Bruno Kirby
Jack Palance
Don Knotts
James Brown
Syd Barrett
Arthur Lee
Gordon Parks
Buck Owens
Wilson Pickett
