Last night marked the 64th annual Golden Globes award presentation show live from the Beverly Hilton, in beautiful downtown Beverly Hills, California-home of the stars! Now read that again as Charles Nelson Reilly might. Last night also marked the 64th time that a lame joke on balls was made at the Golden Globes (I believe that Burt Reynolds was responsible for 9 of them). And if you listen carefully with your heart of hearts, you can still hear the ghost of Dom Deloise laughing and getting slapped and laughing even harder and getting slapped even harder and laughing even more until he gets a mustache whisker yanked, echoing in the hallowed halls of the Stanley R. Plochman Memorial Celebrity Convention Room A-4. For those of you not familiar with the Globes, it's the award show that gives awards out to TV people as well as actual actors. Oh, snap! He said actual actors. Of coure I'm kidding- TV is awesomer. Case in point: Alec Baldwin. Anyway, the awards were long-winded as usual with some decent hijinx and some really lame shit as well. I'm gonna break it down.
It should (t'should in the Queen's English) be duely noted that the "Hollywood Foreign Press" is actually an offshore junket of Hollywood villains, including, but not limited to: Sumner Redstone, Bob and Harvey Weinstein, Brian Grazer, various CAA power brokers, Leslie Siebert, and Steven Cojocaru, who formulate the winners using black magic and loads of cocaine once a year and and get Cojo to read selections from his book, Red Carpet Diaries: Confessions of a Glamour Boy, just before they all fuck each other over.
Highlights:
1. Forest Whitaker winning best actor. Of course he should have won for his portrayal of Jefferson in Fast Times At Ridgemont High....better late than never. I wonder if Tom Hanks said to himself, "run, Forest, run?" when he was walking up to the podium. Better yet, I wonder if John Travolta said "You're out of your skullbone, Ker!"
2. Ben Stiller being completely unfunny around Sacha Baron Cohen, and no, i'm not talking about A Night At The Museum.
3. Jack Nicholson
4. Prince looking like Yule Brinner In Westworld...but like with hair. Nice tan, bitch!
5. Alec Baldwin
6. Helen Mirren addressing the Hollywood elite as if they knew anything about the way Queen Elizabeth might make a speech. I once had a fantasy about Helen Mirren, except she was addressing me as Sir Francis Bacon...if he were a nude British classically-trained Shakespherean actor...only in the fantasy, her Francis Bacon couldn't come to terms with Helen Mirren referring to herself as a "Shakespherian" actress between scenes. It was hot. But not as hot as Helen's exposed boob-side when she launched up the stairs!
7. Desperate Housewives won nothing.
8. Issac Mizrahi feeling-up the fat guy from Lost. Just a fantasy. Buthted!
9. Merryl Streep winning an award for the Devil Wears Prada and complaining about the inability to see the arty movies because of uncultured movie theater managers. Excuse me, bitch, you're the one who signed on to do The Fucking Devil Wears Prada. Shutty.
10. Hugh Grant's bumbling-Englishman's hair. It almost stuttered on its own.
11. Will Smith:0 Eddie Murphy:1
Lowlights:
1. Ugly Betty isn't actually ugly. Guess we can't relate to her anymore. I give her 'til April before she has an eating disorder.
2.Terrance Howard- looked dashing, if not nerdy....could have stolen the show if he just said "push that shit out," or "whoop that trick" once. Just once, motherfucker! Is that too much to ask? Of couse it's irrelevant, but imagine Tag Team not saying whoomp! there it is when you ran into them at Burger King.
3. Botox. I think even Brad Pitt gets it (not just on his balls anymore).
4. Warren Beatty trying to do Borat in the middle of the longest, ramblingest, most uncharismatic speech since Al Pacino's.
5. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger blowing each other for no apparent reason.
6. Jeremy Piven was invited. What the fuck? Why can't we go?
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