Grammy and Grampy

Sorry about the wait. i've been busy transcribing the dialogue from Top Design in hopes that one day I might use them in a Mametian adaptation for an off-off-off broadway production of the show. I think it'll fly if I can land William H. Macy to play Todd Oldham, and maybe Kevin Spacey as Jonathan Adler. Is anybody even feeling Todd Oldham on this one? First-of-ly, he looks awful and tan. Second-of-all-ly, he delivers his lines like he's reading Bridge To Terabithia to a classroom of little English-as-a-second-language children. Does anybody remeber if he was that bad on House Of Style? It didn't seem like it, but then again, the Real World didn't seem so bad at that time either. Thirdly, you're gonna have to give us a little more than "did you bring your needle and thread to make some basting stitches so the matress can get covered easier" if you wann be the star of my show, bitch. Last-of-ly, what the fuck did these people turn in to get them on this show? I can see why Goil got in (Masters in Architecture from Yale), but how fucking hard is it to go shopping at Pacific Design Center and make a room look tits? It's sort of like going to Pinconning if you hade to make an awesome castle out of cheese. They should have an elimination challenge to knock half those fuckers out and replace them with the judge's panel. Kelly Wearstler talks an awful lot of smack for someone who's major contibution to interior design was placing stacks of large art books on even larger coffee tables. I'm just kidding. I don't think she came up with that one, but someone did, so let's just give it to her! She might actually be responsible for the large pillow abuse of 1997. She's an interior designer in L.A. You know how easy it is to be an interior designer in L.A. with those resources? Fuck. That's like being a casting director in Hollywood, or a leader of an impotent gay men's choir in San Francisco.... not hard! You don't even want to know how long it took me to come up with that zinger. All i have to say is thank god for Jonathan Adler. Unlike other judges with "tact," Adler can't even stop himself from rolling his eyes and making grimaces when he looks at the finished rooms. I'm eagerly waiting for him to make the finger-down-the-throat upchuck gesture the next time someone uses lime green with aubergine accents. Plus, "See you later, decorator" is the best kick-off catch phrase since Gordon Ramsey's (Hell's Kitchen), "fuck you all." Don't get me started! I was supposed to talk about the Grammy awards. As you all know, the Grammys were last weekend, and did they ever go over like a fart in church. I'm all for diversity in categories, but what the fuck? Is it necessary to give a grammy out to Best Video Shoot Catering(Non-Craft Services: Hard Rock)? I also love the way they give out the posthumous awards to dead people for credibility because they fucked up when they were around and didn't give them a Grammy then. I mean, who didn't barf when they stuck poor ol' Bob Wills with Don Fucking Henley and had, gasp, Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts perform a mash-up medley? I filled up two buckets and a 20-0z. Diet Mountain Dew bottle with my own vommy! Or how about the Police reunion? How can you fuck up Roxanne? Add a jazzy interlude and let Sting rock a flat top, that's how! I suppose it was so they could showcase their new adult contemporary sensibilites-- I mean what master of tantric sex wouldn't want to extend his orgasm for a few moments more? Never trust a white band that borrows freely from fortuneless reggae sources and adds flanged guitar, is what i sez. And the winners are.......Justin Timberlake. JT rocked the joint twice and once it was with the competition winner, who sounded as good as Beyonce, thereby giving B a major wedge. John Mayer- managed to duely impress everone when he went all theater-crew-in-high-school and wore tennis shoes with a tuxedo. That made me think of one word- a word the was a contender to be the name of The Wild Bunch when they were forced to change their name to the Electric Six- "Fuxedo." Well, good 'ol puddin' face got to win an award and act fakely surprised when they called his name after his riveting performance (with the O face). At least he's got a hot lady....uh....Hey, how awesome was that unlikeable Dixie Chick and her poorly-executed speeches that made her sound like a dumb hillbilly? "Well, to quote the great `Simpsons': heh-heh." Royal fucking burn alert! Finally, someone please fucking shoot James Blunt. out.