No Shit, Shylock

The Stratford festival is upon thee, Yorick! Seize thine johnson and Tivo thine Star Trek! Ok, for those of you who may not be familiar with the Stratford festival, it's a summertime Shakespeare festival in Ontario, Canada where people do a bunch of plays and shit for some reason. Atendees usually range from bespectacled thespian- types--who wear patches on the elbows of their corduroy blazers, carry around earmarked, pocket-sized editions of Sumarokov's Noviye Lavry (because Chekov is too pedestrian),and are consumed by locating the best Bed & Breakfast in the immediate vacinity-- to an agglomeration of dudes who look exactly like that creepy guy that works security at Target, acne-ridden high school students who tuck their t-shirts into their jeans and are "into" loafers, and medieveal roleplayers(which also include Trekkies, due to some unholy marriage of medieval and Klingon "cultures").

Ok, so it's basically a Medieval festival for big-titted people who have a hard time waiting a full year between stuffing gigantic turkey legs down their fat, bearded faces and quoting Monty Python movies in public (in full costume). It also allows the lowly Medieval enthusiast to log off the nerd sex chat room(that means you, Mansquito_69) and get out of Mother's basement, as Mother would not pleased with too much outsider whore influence. This year's festival organizers have added a few contemporary twists to Shakespeare, including a "street" adaptation of Othello:
From Act 3, Scene iii:
OTHELLO:
Cousin, be sure thou prove my love a ho,
Walk it out and peep this that word is bond;
Or, by the cash money of mine bitch-ass soul,
Y'all need to recognize, I ain't no "Investor Gadget," you know what I'm sayin',
Y'all hadst been better best have been born a dog,
Than answer to my motherfuckin' A.K., Holla!

Theater critic Trevon "Ol'Gold" Garvey panned the performance, as well as society's fascination with Shakesphere himself:
"That praises are without reason lavished on the dead, and that the honours due only to excellence are paid to antiquity, is a complaint likely to be always continued by those, who, being able to add nothing to truth, hope for eminence from the heresies of paradox, motherfuckers."

The festival will also feature a hip, contemporary version of MacBeth directed by christian youth pastor, Robbie L. Ranger.
excerpt:
Act 3, Scene i:
Cue: gigantic laser cross, stage: ctr/ smoke machine
Sign language traslator stage r
music: Renegade by Styx


SECOND SECULAR TEENAGER:

By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open my locker, Cassie!

EnterSCOTT MACBETH

SCOTT MACBETH :
Hey guys, you secret, black, and midnight fornicators!
No! I don't want have pre-marital sex with you! I'm saving myself for my wedding night! Don't you want your first time to be special?

ALL:
A deed without a name...tee-hee.

SCOTT MACBETH:
I conjure you, by that which you profess,
Howe'er you come to know it, answer me, girls:
do you think we should like get together Friday night for a prayer sesh? I want to jam on some Matthew and Luke pronto!

CASSIE: I want to jam on some Luke and Owen myself! I'd totally take it tag-team style from Luke and the butterscotch stallion!

enter mimes

SCOTT MACBETH:
Though you untie heavy metal bands and let Ronnie James Dio fight
Against the churches; I'm kinda bummed that you guys aren't down with the "big man," you know, my #1 cool "dude"? J.C.! Jesus is thee coolest, girls! The first real "rock" star! Let's just study the bible and rid this pagan high school of blackened souls who need to get down with the king! My mom'll buy'st pizza and diet sodapop. Seriously! I want to get this done before vacation bible school! What do y'all say? C'mon, answer me! Even till cheerleader camp; answer me to what I ask you.

MIME 1:

FIRST UNBAPTIZED TEEN:
Speak. No wait, you're a mime. Walk into the wind!

CASSIE:
Demand.

SECOND SECULAR TEENAGER:
Where is the pizza coming from? Domino's?

exeunt mimes

Some of the festival's other highlights include people with tote bags, ponytails on men, and schoolbus drivers smoking cigarettes outside in the parking lot.

Editor's Note: This is fucking absurd. I need help.