Summer Cold, Fire Bad!

Wait. Let me hit this bottle of generic Robitussin and release some of this sinus pressure- it's called Tussin...without Robi...is that legal? There. Now I'm feeling smooth, like a WJLB jam. There are few more annoying things than a June cold. Just when the Summy hits and the sun is making everything hott and the summer jams are just kickin', ladies are outside bikini-car washing the the hell out of Corvettes in slow motion, 1980's poster artists are fucking airbrushing pictures of them...God, I love Summer. So there I am, thinkin' about skinnydipping and croquet and I get an itchy sensation in the back of my throat. 3 days after and I'm blowing phosphorescent snot out of my nose, feeling like Nick Nolte. I should have taken the day off work, but instead I went to spite the sick children that gave me the illness in the first place. I hope it's not TB. Anyway, could there be a worse feeling than being sick when it's 85 rock n' roll-over degrees and sunny? I feel like the kid who had to practice the piano in that comercial but without a reel-to-reel to fake anybody out with. I'm stuck playing the piano. The piano made with a bunch of crusty snot rags, cough drop wrappers, OK magazines, and empty tussin bottles. Ok, so maybe it's not exactly a piano. But fuckin'-A, they've made some strides with sugar-free cough drops, eh? they're delicious and all mentholated, plus they taste like regular ones and don't make you a rude, thoughtless little pig.
As I said, it started with a itch in the back of the throat and commenced to making the respitory tour to my nose. All great colds are like the Harlem Globetrotters- they keep on wowing us with their adaptability and flair for the game. But also, they tour around the globe. And if your head is a globe and the cold is Meadowlark Lemon, I think I paint a pretty convincing metaphor. So I'm waiting for my nose cold to become my chest cold- can't wait. My nose is already over this bullshit- it's all chapped and raw from non-aloe induced tissues and emergency road-dog napkins. One nostril's sinus is completely clogged while the other nosehole just drips annoyingly onto memorandums and my life's work. The pharmaceutical companies are making a killing off of me! When's the last time you check out the cold remedies at CVS? It's like the '85-'86 Boston Celtics, where I'm Kevin McHale and you're Larry Bird and everbody else is Bill Walton and we find ourselves facing the Rockets in the NBA Finals. Despite Houston's "Twin Towers," Hakeem Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson, Boston took the series in six games. Ok, maybe the sports metaphors aren't working. C'mon!
I'm on Tussin, bitches! Which reminds me, at 7-11, Kleenex brand tissues are $2.39 for a small "upright floral" box. Each box contains 85 3-Ply White Tissues 8.4 x 8.4 in (21.3 x 21.3 cm). That means, if my math is right, that each tissue is worth approximately $.0281176 (I hate aggregates)thereby making Kleenex the most expensive paper by volume next only to blotter acid. Which reminds me that being sick is like Justin Verlander pitching a no-hitter last night at Comerica Park.....