Fat Children Took My Life

What's up, blogdonaviches? Long time no reads. I've been bad at posting lately due to me not really giving a shit about the internet. I've been busy with other analog concerns, including but not limited to: bikerides, washer toss, beer runs, poolside horseplay, drive-ins, functions, birthday parties, art openings, cat training, home improvements, and trying desperately to figure out a way for me to go on a fox hunt in the English countryside at some point during my life. Although, I may just have to settle for some kick-ass $88/roll Lady Of The Manor wallpaper from Anthropologie. What, you thought I only rolled with Pottery Barn? WTF? I just got done with an illegal blood transfusion so I'm feeling pretty fucking pumped, so let's roll it, bitches!
Cobras Vs. Outlaws- So I was checking out some triple crown little league baseball between the Cobras and the Outlaws on the small screen the other morning. It's what I do- watch televised little league games whilst ironing waffles, and creating new flavor profiles for egg-based breakfastes. Breakfasts. Many Breakfii. Whatever. I don't like catfish waffles, but they may work better with a tartar sauce or Kobe demi glace for dinner. Pretty disappointing considerin' I had to noodle them critters out the crick. Question: when did little league become so dicky? The teams today are filled with a bunch of 10-year-old assholes. Even the fat kids are dicks. Back in the day (enter old man with walker) little league used to be a fun way to learn about the game of baseball and teamwork and bullshit like that. Nowadays, the teams have a bunch of dickhead posers- you know, the same shit-eaters who used to dominate your ass in kickball (after being picked last) only to humiliate you the next day by making it all the way to the top of the gym rope while you got about six feet off the floor before sackburning your balls all the way back down? Yeah, those assholes had kids. While we're here, what the fuck was with the rope, anyway? I want an answer, Mr. Emmert! And since when did they let fat kids be good at sports (or anything)? Look, there's a pecking order here, so if fat bitches would get in line (not just for lunch) and adhere to the traditional hierarchy, maybe we could restore some respect to the game. Fat kids are supposed to be emotionally challenged and desperate to make skinny friends, not be dykes who eat twinkies between video games and being pricks and eating the "fourth meal" fo the 3rd time. What happened to the power structure, youth of today? O.K., so sporting dicks are nothing new. What is new is the way the little bastards try to be all like adults. Can you imagine? Little bitch-ass kids trying to emmulate adults? I saw this one prick who was playing third base get moved to pitch out of an inning. When he hit the mound, motherfucker puts on glasses. Not perscription, not sunny-g's, those stupid fucking jock glasses that adult tools like that fat fucker, Eric Gagne wears. He is French-Canadien, go figure. They're not goggles, either. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wore some motherfuckin' goggles, y'all! Nice fucking shop safety glasses, Bob Vila. And I'm all, fuck you, you little prick!
You weren't wearing them at third. Your parent (cuz let's face it, your mom went all cougar rampage on your dad after feeling 'liberated' from watching an episode of Desperate Housewives)
should be taken out behind the bullpen and shot.
Oh, that's right, if he wasn't there completely shitcanned off Natural Lights to threaten the coaches and yell at kids for striking out, nothing would get accomplished. God knows he wasn't there to bitch you out when you fucked up your line in your school's Spring production of Godspell. He was too busy at Hott Tamale's doing bumps off the stripper's asses in the champagne room to attend that function. Goy! It reminded me of those clowns in basketball who lick their fingers and swipe the bottom of their shoes. What the fuck does that do? And the next thing you know, kids at the rec center are licking their fingers and swiping the bottoms of their shoes! Then they start rockin' the leg sleeves and hexpads, whatever the fuck those are. I'm tired of this bullshit.
CBS is going ahead with a show called Kid Nation, where a bunch of little bitches are supposed to run a parent-free society for 40 days. Good luck, douche bags.
signed, anonymous