Where's The Cheese?

Hey, who cut the beef? I love Wendy's. I was at the deli counter the other day picking out some turkey and cheese to make some sandwiches so I didn't have to go to Wendy's. Actually, now that I think about it, Wendy's blows. I think I'm mostly against how they prepare their hamburglers- they all start off as a big square of meat and depending on the type of sandwich you're about to stuff, they cut off edges of meat to fit buns of various size. Which seems like an inexact science, sort of like meteorology or pulling out- it's a judgement call. So make sure you get a meat forecast before you order your Junior Cheesburger Deluxe (and think you're all slick because you've solved the 99cent x-tra value riddle). Where they get you the worst though is the "chili." When they're 'edging the meat' (yes, there actually was a 1985 D.B. Sweeney movie with the same name) the cut portion gets tossed into a meat trough that contains the scattered remains and broken dreams of nameless, countless inches of meat and hot fat. When it's time to make chili, they just take all that scrapple, spit it into a tomato-based chili and serve it to people clever enough to order it. Anyway, getting back to the turkey and cheese at the deli--I decided to go with a half pound of Jarlsburg, because for a Norwegian peasant cheese it has a full aroma and a deft, nutty flavor that finishes slightly less clean than any of the Emmentals aged in sandstone caves deep below the Santenberg in the Canton of Lucerne. Alas, I was in no position to pull the trigger on a cheese that, despite it's economical $6.99/pound pricetag, would haunt me until I were able to get my hands on a pound of Emmentaler, or at the very least, some crystal meth-- or at very least, a cheese worthy of a bottle of Viognier! Hence, I decided to try something called Lorraine cheese, which is an American varietal of lacy 'Swiss' cheese. I think Hormel owns it. It has low sodium and uses low-fat milk. Know what else it uses? Suck. This is the suckiest cheese I've had since the cheese topping product that came with my Chef Boyardee pizza kit. Here's where my observational comedy bit starts:
"Good evening, folks! Alright! Toledo, Ohio! Woo! Hey, what's the deal with the Chef Boyardee pizza kit cheese? Have you seen this? You get enough dough to make two pizzas and a packet of parmesean cheese so small that it could easily get lost in my condom collection! Boo-ya! Seriously, though, imagine if that little packet got mixed up with your condom collection! Talk about cheese dick! Boo-ya! Talk about Chef Bo-ner-dee! You know, I've got a name for Chef Boyardee's cheese product packet.....Oh, yeah! Wait for it, Toledo, we're taping this show............BULL-SHEE-IT! Boo-ya! You got me riffin' Toledo!"
OK, it works better in the club. Sort of like ording written transcripts of the Donahue Show, you have to see that guy knock it out of the park on video or you just don't get the full impact. And in case you were wondering, I got the Boar's Head turkey. What, you think my shit isn't fitted to the floor?
Other newsworthy tidbits:
ANOTHER FAKE GIANT SQUID FOUND. I told you, but you refused to listen to me. I love the way the "elusive" giant squid of old seamen's tales decided that 2007 was a good year to start showing up. Now read that last sentence again using air quotes. Never mind that prior to 2006 they had about what 3 partial specimens and a polaroid of the alleged Krakin. For the last time, it's an effing hoax. Oh, yeah, the giant Tit Lobster is an totally elusive and caliginus "mystery of the deep" who's ways are far too unknown for scientists to find crap out about them. I think 2009/2010 should be strong for alleged video captures of the giant lobster with tits. Anybody ever seen Alien Autopsy?