Pass The Ketchup (Catsup)

Holy Smokes! Time keeps on slipping into the future. Tick, tock, tick. Last time I checked, it was a sunny day in June. Then all of a sudden it's the 2nd day after the 4th of Indepenece Day of America. There has been a lot of shit flying around lately--aside from those Whistling Moon Travelers with Report your stoner uncle Don bought in Indiana after he made the trip to Elk Heart to get a new truck cabin--so instead of my usual long-winded diarreah of the keyboard, I'll try to compartmentalize some topical riff-raff in the standardized "blog" style. So suck it:
Dracula's Castle is For Sale. Yep. Not really Dracula's castle, though. Bran Castle, located in the creeped-out town of Pennsylvania, is situated in the always foggy Carpathian Mountain range of Romania (where it always smells like Saxon Peasantry and you can't go very far without being reminded that Nadia Comaneci scored a perfect 10, seven times, in the Montreal Olympics in 1976. However, most Romanians refuse to recognize her susequent marriage to US gynastics star Bart Conner, insisting Conner is a "major pole-smoker"). Now read that last sentence again and use quote-unquote before you say major pole-smoker. Your friend, D, doesn't come with the castle. As a matter of fact, some skeptics doubt that Dracula ever even existed n' shit. What kind of bullshit backwards thinking is that? Ooh, I'm a skeptic! Stuff doesn't exist! Oooh, I'm incredulous and a dick about it while i'm at it! Skeptics need to stop it. Or else the Wolfman, the Mummy, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon and Alec Baldwin and me are gonna put y'all in a boat and have a "rogue wave" or "giant squid" straighten your asses out. Anyway, it's really expensive, so you probably won't buy it. However, it does come with some unique amenities:
1. Tonic Junior in the catacombs. Those who thought that Russian hockey star Sergei Fedorov was the only one to have a bar in his basement replicated to the exact specifications of Tonic nightclub in fabulous downtown Pontiac, MI, think again. It even comes with a doorman nicknamed 'Botox', who by all accounts, is a total dick.
2. 8x10 framed glossy portrait of George Hamilton.
3. Hounds of Hell dogrun area.
4. Custom Carpathian bats. OK, they're paper mache. But done well.
5. Autographed VHS copy of Dracula:Dead and Loving It (Steven Weber) A must-have for fans of the 1990-'97 NBC situational comedy, Wings. But then again, aren't we all? Does that even make sense?
6. Ramparts. That's right, ramparts! I don't know about you, but it seems tits to own something with ramparts. Just think how jealous your asshole friends (who only have ditches) will be!

Shit. that's all that's happened in the last 2 weeks. I'm working on something promising about The Office and their secret Skull & Bones society or some shit. So.....uh....
I'm also working on a list of annoying typos: 1. teh instead of the.....short list so far.