Seven Wonders of the World

In what appears to be a gigantic waste of time and resources, a group of Polocks decided to take internet votes to determine the new Seven Wonders of the (Ancient) World. Firstofly, here's a reminder of the old Seven Wonders and why they qualified:
1. The Great Pyramid of Giza- This is a big bitch. The structure consists of approximately 2 million blocks of stone, each weighing more than two tons. It's strange powers come from ancient sorcery, not Satan, like the pyramid at the Louvre. People have always been "what the fuck?" about it. However, a whole new generation of wireless telephone customers with texting capabilities are totally "WTF?" about the Great Pyramid. The Great Pyramid is also the home of the Mummy, King Tut, and Brendan Fraser's career. Popularity of the Great Pyramid apexed in 1973 when progressive stoners posted their kick-ass pyramid posters (which came with the gatefold double LP of Pink Floyd's 1973 progressive rock masterpiece, Dark Side of The Moon), and did hot knives with some knock-out hashish from Morrocco in their basements kitted-out with black lights and some Gonesh Nag Champa, only to come to the hevy revelation that like WE live on the dark side of the moon, man. And in conclusion, the Great pyramid is really, really, really cool.
2. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon - Were popular in Medieval times-- regained popularity in 1982 when the Cure released "The Hanging Garden" off the Pornography album. This resurgent boost of the Gardens' popularity was contingent upon Robert Smith having not yet rocked the unlaced, exo-tongued, oversized Reebok tennis shoes. Lost popularity in the late 80's when the Gardens served as home court to the Boston Celtics and Robert Smith started wearing oversized sweaters and said tennis shoes.
3. The Statue of Zeus at Olympus- The blueprint for the statue of Jordan At The United Center (Between S Damen Avenue and S Wood Street, Chicago IL), except like 146 times larger. It should also be noted that the Zeus statue was created entirely without LeRoy Neiman influence.
4. The Temple of Artemis at Euphesis- What the fuck? You know what I say, the only temple that is awesomer is the Temple Of The Dog.
5. The Colossus of Rhodes- What about the Fender of Rhodes? The Colossus of Rhodes is like the 52oz. X-treme Gulp Mug of Colossuses. I actually looked it up on 7-Eleven.com, the Super Big Gulp is only 44 oz. So, that's a differential of approximately six ounces- which might not seem like a lot, but what if it was your weed? What exactly is a Colossus, anyway? This particular colossus is a gigantic statue of a greek man straddling an oceanic inlet. Stories tell of Greek Shipping Vessels slowing down between his legs to "tap the sack" for good luck- sort of like when Notre Dame football players hit the "Play Like A Champion Today" sign outside their locker room, yet somehow even gayer. You just summed up your entire sorry career here in one sentence! If you had a tenth of the heart of Ruettiger, you'd have made All-American by now!
6. The Mausoleum At Halicarnassus- Hands down, my favorite Echo & The Bunnymen song. Remember that one scene in Phantasm 2 (Manyak II in Turkish) when that creeped-out tall man got the chrome sphere can-opener jammed in his noggin and then it drills his head and a bunch of embalming fluid starts flying out all over the floor of the mausoleum n' shit? I miss James LeGros. Where is that little dickens? I love that guy. Quick, what's the name of the actor who played the tall man? No! It was Angus Scrimm.
7. The Lighthouse of Alexandria- people who are into ducks and Northern Michigan resort time-sharing are totally into this shit. Jeff Daniels would have voted for this. It's a 500 foot-tall lighthouse made of marble that had a reflecting mirror that shone its light over 150 miles. It's no Mystery Spot, but then again what is? Like I said, Jeff Daniels.

So, a pretty impressive showing from the ancient world. Enter our polocks and a computer and a bunch of people who were bored with porn, blogging, or myspace and voila! Here are your 2007 NEW SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD:
1. Great Wall of China- I could go for this if it were the Great Wall of Chinese Food!
2. Petra (Jordan) I'm not really into Christian rock, but what the hell? Stryper broke up.
3. Christ the Redeemer Statue (Brazil)- Has appeared alongside David Caruso in an opening sequence of CSI: Miami.
4. Machu Picchu - I voted for Magglio Ordonez
5. Chichen Itza- Finally a pasta dish made it. I was afraid the whole low-carb thing might get it booted.
6. Colosseum- I think this one made it because Gladiator and 300 were both popular gladiator movies. You ever watch gladiator movies? The best they could do for the Great Pyramid was The Mummy II and National Treasure.
7. Taj Mahal (India) what-ever.
**8. Great Pyramid- honorary candidate. Here, Egypt, here's your participant ribbon. Thanks for your entry, unfortunately, your contributions to mankind suck. Good luck next time with that.