Alcoholics An-awesomeness!

Cocktails and Dreams...I can picture it in pink neon. I am the last barman poet, I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make, Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake...The sex on the beach, the schnapps made from peach, the velvet hammer...the Alabama slammer! OK, I'll spare you the genius of Cocktail for now. But consider young Brian, taking a job with sagely ol' Douglas Coughlin- a lifer barkeep who lives by his own set of laws, appropriately named Coughlin's Laws. The laws run the regular gamut of pseudo-Jonathan Livigston Seagull quacksalver to your run-of-the-mill drunkard wisdom to miniature wisdom book drivel you can impulse buy at the register of your area Borders bookseller. Coughlin's Law: Anything else is always something better. Coughlin's Law: Bury the dead, they stink up the place, etc. And for those of you who didn't get to test your counterintuitiveness by going through a week of training to run a cash register at Borders, let me let you in on a little secret: the magazines do not have magnetic anti-theft tags in them, feel free to shoplift the fuck out of your Mojo or your Everyday With Rachel Ray or your Advocate- but only because Alan Cumming is on the cover....what? I loved his portrayal of Mick Jagged in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas! Alan Cumming is the bombdiggity. Anyway, there's poor Brian, embarking on his cocktails and dreams journey- the only problem is that it could end up more cocktails and less dreams and shortly after singing a drunken rendition of Chantilly Lace and getting crabs, he knows well that it could be he who ends up shooting himself on a yacht. So what do you do? Well, as Douglas Coughlin so elloquently put it: The Luck is gone / the brain is shot / but the liquor we still got.
Let's fuckin' rage!
OK, this is going to be an installment-based exploration of the finer alcoholic beverages available on the market. I am not advocating alcohol usage, and some of the following beverages are more like solvents than actual adult alcoholic beverages. I need a fucking taxonomist to help me catagorize this shit, so I'll start with the cheap shit and work in an upwardly fashion. Oh, who am I leg-pulling? It's all cheap. If you're looking for a review of Remy MartinLouis XIII Cognac, you would be Richard Branson or Diddy. And since you're not, let's move on. A quick runthrough of catagories seems appropriate-
Wine Coolers(Bartles & James, Sun Country, Seagram's), Malt Beverages(Zima, Mike's Hard Lemonade, Seagram's Ice, any other RTD's(ready to drink) A.K.A. Bitch Beer, Fortified Wines(Thunderbird, Night Train, MD 20/20, Cisco, Wild Irish Rose), Malt Liquors (Colt 45, St. Ides, Mickey's, Cammo, King Cobra, Old English, Schlitz Blue/Red bull, Crazy Horse, Magnum, Midnight Dragon), Beer.
Hold on, I need to go to the store.