LIQUOR FINE, BUT WINE COOLER...FIRE BAD.

After much deliberation and ballyhoo, I went to the store and purchased some alcoholic beverages to review. I was torn between actually buying drinks or, like my orgasms, totally faking it... and then reporting my scientific findings to y'all. I decided that for the betterment of my peeps and to the benefit of Hashim Manar Aziz (loosely translated: the destroying lighthouse bird), proprietor of the Liquor Locker Plus party store/dollar store, home of the 'Twofer' pizza deal- 2 medium 1-item pizzas for $4.99! I needed to actually purchase, consume, and, if I played my cards right, vomit the information all over your computer, as it were. You are reading this on a computer, right? If you don't have a computer, I can print entries out and mail them to you- give me a call or telegram me, or semaphore me. I started out with alcohol's proverbial fat friend, the wine cooler. Wine coolers are the alcoholic beverage industry's number one product with both a deposit and a stigma attched to them. It doesn't matter who you are, when you're buying wine coolers at the liquor store, or shoppe if you're into the olden days, or package store, or off-licence if you're into the monarchy, party store if you're into hard a's, vinmonopolet for my Norwegian homies, you always feel like an asshole. So I made sure to retain my "street cred" with the dudes in line behind me by buying some condoms, a Swisher, a bootleg FUBU sweatshirt, a mini-keg of Heiniken, and a vhs copy of "How To Juice a Guy in 10 Days"(imagine my disappointment when I got home and found out that neither Matthew McConaughey nor Kate Hudson were in this feature) along with the wine coolers. Those guys must have thought I was the bomb when I bounced out of that piece. So, without any further ado, here are my scientific alcoholic results.
Sun Country Wine Coolers-
Sun Country wine coolers are best when served warm out of the trunk of a 1987 Buick Park Avenue from a 2-litre bottle into a 16-ounce blue Solo cup. Ice is frowned upon, but if you must, use wedge-shaped ice from a refridgerator ice-making unit. Unfortunately, you can no longer get Sun Country in the 2-litre format. Back in 1991 they passed legislation called "Tammy's Law," which prohibited adult beverage manufacturers from using 2-litre bottles, celebrities disguised as polar bears, or so-called "Cooler Illusion" tactics to market wine coolers to milfs and dumb ass kids who couldn't figure out the difference between a cooler and a soda pop. And what's the deal with the spelling of litre? Having the 'r' before the 'e' seems sinister and suspiciously Canadian.When you have a Sun Country, it's a safer bet to have the original flavor (skip the peach, y'all). This particular batch of the "O" posessed a richly fruity flavor, somewhere between Cold Duck and how Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip tastes in the back of your throat after snorting it through a bendy straw. This stuff is fucking awful. You know when you have those drinks at the bar like whatever-sours or wussy shots like Kamikazes and your mouth and throat get covered in that tangy film? It's similar to that. And then you have to spend about three minutes making a face like a dog trying to eat peanut butter. Wait a minute, that's not a wine cooler, that's some sort of soda pop! Damn you, Ringo Starr and the "cooler illusion"!!

Seagram's Wine Coolers- Classy. What other word can describe a wine cooler that has a metallic gold label on it? I thought we were slummin' it until I noticed the gold foil and felt like a rich, fat bitch about to get my drink on. Oh, what's that you say? They just changed the packaging to appeal to the Hagar/McConaughey/Chesney/Buffet set (the leisurenista)? Fuck. Well, with awesome marketing and a crack creative team, they must have come up with some sweet-ass names for their product, right? "Wild Berries"- may not sound like much, but when you put 'wild' in a wild and crazy font it just screams wildness. You would think that they could afford some fonts other than the ones that come with Microsoft Word. "Passionate Kiss" should win some type of award for evoking images of island passion.Wait, Island Passion evokes images of island passion. Tahitian Sunset is another winner that makes me want to go to Tahiti (almost as much as I want to go to Fiji to taste their rare and seductively expensive waters). Calypso Colada wouln't look out of place on the menu at Bahama Breeze, and that place just about shits gold. And last but not least, my favorite clever drink name, "Bahama Mama!" I'm sensing some sort of promotion coming to someone in marketing. How's it taste? Ever been wasted, jamming out to Kenny Chesney's "Guitars And Tiki Bars" or "There's Something Sexy About the Rain," nude, dude? It tastes exactly like that, but no dick. Just kidding. There is a hint of dick to it. I'm a fraud. I couldn't afford all of the varieties that Segrams offers and just faked it. I'm going to go hang my head in island shame. No Mon.

To be continued.......