Stormbringer

this post is dedicated to Moose

When it rains, it pours. Or if you're into director Roger Donaldson's 1988 auteuristic vision, Cocktail, as much as I am, it'd be "when he pours, he reigns." And while I'm still a little upset about Singapore's controversial NC-16 rating of this Cruise jammy, it's important to take stock in the fact that some glamorized fishing village pitstop on the spice route/Indonesian Myspace thoroughfare couldn't break the spirit of the film for those under 16 years of age. As far as I'm concerned, Singapore can continue swinging from Malaysia's nuts. Let's face it, the Indonesians are still into fucking Friendster for God's sake! they're so behind the times, hipsters in Williamsburg take trips there to mine irony. Is it God's sake or sakes? In this context, it could look like I'm saying God's Sake (rice wine), but even then it's like fuck that Chinese shit, even if God did triple-ferment the shit out of it, gimme a Jagerbomb, broseph! But I'm not here to challenge the government of this so-called republic and/or "download" your 5'11 More-to-love Wiccan who makes over $250,000 a year and has 3 children even though you're 99 years old fake profile. I'm here to talk about the weather.This week was particularly interesting due to an unseason-y warm front, like some sort of el nino or St. Elmo's fire, that royally fucked errrbody's week up. I think some people died last weekend because of the 90 degree heat, but I think they were sweathogs who were totally into running some unhealthy amount of distance to begin with. Monday had everyone blastin' the A.C. harder than Soulja Boy's Crank That; by Wednesday, it was colder than a witch's titty....but like an old-timey witch, not Stevie Nicks' - or there's this one weird websight I accidentally saw where there was a bunch of crusty nakeds with 70's mounds- I guess retro witching is cool or whatever. The weather event was what almanac-ers and Martha Stewart devotees refer to as "Indian summer," a warm spell of low pressure that comes to roost over the midwest in early autumn, beckoning all types of assholes who wear shorts outside - yeah they're the same assholes who own convertables in the midwest. I'm not really a big fan of indian summer, mostly because once I got sick from a curry dish- the official explanation from a restaurant spokesperson was "Shiva's Misfortune" but i'm convinced it was rancid ghee- my trots looked like butter-flavored popcorn topping being dispensed at the Star Southfield- motherfuckers hit that shit like the pipe. I'm just kidding. I know that Indian refers to the savages who used to kill and eat cowboys and pilgrims for Thanksgiving. For some reason they have a rich and truly American legacy of unseasonable weather. Just like my history teacher used to say, "you buy the land, you get the indians."
Fall weather is nothing more than a precursorary affirmation that indeed, no matter how hard one may try to influence weather-- through shamanistic influence (getting your Doors cover band back together and pointing amplifiers toward the sun, jamming Celebration of the Lizard -all 17 minutes of it... no, not the obvious Indian Summer off the criminally overlooked B-side of the Morrison Hotel LP, hey, if tribute bands just did the so-called hits, their existence would be artless) or gettin' together with your gnostic co-worker yay-hoos and throwin' a good old fashioned rooster hex at 'ol Horus, the shit's going down. For example, today is the 13th day of october, which means there are 70 days until Winter arrives. Right now, according to the latest scientific data, the temperature of the sun is 5800 degrees Kelvin (0 Kelvin is absolute zero; H2O melts at 273 K (= 0° C = 32° F); H2O boils at 373 K (= 100° C = 212° F). If this is true (I'm still in talks with Kelvin about his "absolute zero" bullshit), that means that there is, assuming the sun is 70% Hydrogen, +/- 28% Helium, and 2% Dragon's Blood, a 1/173.2^5.2a(23 %) chance that the sun will die between now and Winter(proper). What's this all mean, then? (read that again like Michael Caine) It means that between now and Winter, your gonna get screwed if you don't layer your clothing.