Tall Man Contest......Go!

As I lie in bed, combing my hair, playing a rousing round of The Minister's Cat, listening to Gilbert & Sullivan's 5th Savoy Opera, Patience-- I'm still in stitches over the Archibald Grosvenor character, who is, no doubt, based on Algernon Charles Swinburne- a fustian poet of diminutive stature (and a pillowbiter by most accounts) who was, as Oscar Wilde put it, "a braggart in matters of vice," which is an understatement when you consider that he kept company with the likes of Richard Monckton Milnes (Florence Nightingale's main hog) and Theodore Watts-Dunton (a lecherous scoundral by trade, sort of the Victorian answer to Vince Neil- although, Watts-Dunton didn't kill Razzle from Hanoi Rocks, sources claim he invariably smelled like beef jerky)--those snoodlers were all about the weird sex parties that involved the finest Italian oils and oaken bannisters. Much to my dismay, I have come to the realization that I am not living in the Victorian era- major fucking bummer, as I have always aspired to be like the artful Dodger of Dickens' realm, or at least some simulacrum of a pickpocket, burglar, tosher, or mudlark in Victorian England. Instead, I can only be a fan of the early Kinks and have to daily face the reality of living in an era where The Guinness Book Of World Records exists. And, sadly enough, it is considered newsworthy when one of these records gets broken. After all, it was that drunk mick, Sir Hugh Beaver (I can't make this shit up) who, while working under the auspices of Sir Arthur Guinness, created the record book in 1951. Consider the latest upset: 8 foot 5 inch Leonid Stadnik- the new World's tallest man. While I do understand the inherant irony of me liking Victorian living (actually, more like the Martha Stewart version of Victorian, which includes Tivo and accent colors) and disliking the Guinness Book, Victorians loved their oddites: Hypnotists, penny-farthings, Elephant Men, and "Australians". Nevertheless and what have you, the old tallest guy record has been broken! And what a strong finish from Stadnik! Who, by the way, should not be confused with Leonid the Magnificent from America's Got Talent. When the race started, some 37 years ago, Stadnik had no idea it would take 37 years to beat the Chinaman Bao Xishun (7'9") and the deadman Robert Pershing Wadlow (8'11''), but Stadnik has the heart of a champion, the eye of the tiger, and while his counterparts who, at the dawn of victory, on the plains of hesitation paused to rest, and resting, died...the giant wins the pennant! The giant wins the pennant! The giant wins the pennant! I know what you're sayin'....did he just turn 8'5" ? If not, why not take the Chinese fucker out when you were 34? The other tall guy was dead, so technically, he's still the tallest, while Stadnik has the tallest 'living' man record. Robert Pershing Wadlow is the bespectacled, if not well um, endowed, gentleman who's image is seared into your brain- just like the fat motorcycle twins, the bitch with the long nails, and Jack Palance. Wait. That was Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Chris Collinsworth hosted GBWRs.
Now, it could be argued that Guinness records are manufactured to keep relevant- for instance, there probably shouldn't be a world record holder for most baked beans eaten with a cocktail stick in 3 minutes (Nick Thompson, UK), the record for creepiest classic video game high scorer (Dwayne Richard, UK), or the record for largest collection of grills(goldfronts)(Lil' Jon(b. Little Jonathan) USA) What? Yeayuh!
But as long as there are people who have jobs ajudicating for those record hungry bitches over at Guinness, we'll be setting the Guiness Book World Record for awesome!