Suck It, 2007!

I'm back from Christmas, bitches! After careful deliberation over the last eight days I just gotta say: I wish I knew how to quit you. Nah, sears though, I had the lot of you on pins and needles when I pink-slipped myself and offered my 'mouts, lates, upottas and quits - I also probably had a couple of you installing software that will make you "indivisable" on the internets of computers after finding out that I could speed-dial the shit out of my boo, Chris Hansen on y'all perverts. Anyway, I just found out about that "5th taste" bullroar. As some of you may know, if I had my druthers, which i don't, we wouldn't have fake news stories about mythical creatures (giant squid), bullshit events (Anaheim Ducks winning the Stanley Cup), barmy theories (Faraday's Law of Induction), balderdash phenomena (Rusty Trombone), or folkloric new tastes contaminating the pristine ecosystem that is my blang (my campaign to make "blog" sound more streets). As this fish story goes, the Japanese have a flavor theory called umami - actually, they've had that theory for about 100 years, but it's relatively new when you consider sushi has been around for over 23 years now (the term sushi was first used in the Breakfast Club when Claire explains that it's rice, seaweed, and raw fish and then Bender's all," you won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth, and you're gonna eat that?" And then there was that one awesome part when Bender's like, "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk. You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. Shut up bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. Dad, what about you? Fuck you." Gosh, I hope they said "hi" to each other in the hallways on Monday) This theory postulates that there is another taste in addition to the perennial favorites: sweet, sour, salty (way to name a taste after a mineral, asses), and bitter. Around the turn of the Century, famous French chef-guy Escoffier (an antediluvian Esteban, but instead of providing tasty licks on slapdash guitars, he provided tasty braised lamb shanks with demi-glace d'agneau, while simplifying and modernizing Carême's elaborate and self-indulgent style to the gastronomic illuminati, the so-called gastroluminatti) used veal stock to achieve this delectable phantom taste. He was so enamored with his stock that he used it on everything, including his own wiener-- not unlike how we now use Ranch dressing to make everything from deep-fried cheese sticks to filet mignon taste Ranchier, and ultimately more tits. Rich people figured this out a long time ago- rich bitches dictate the taste, the taste doesn't dictate nothing. Sort of like Prince. Dave used to say Prince was so rich, motherfucker smelled like pennies! Now, as it were in turn, pennies are so rich, motherfuckin' pennies smell like Prince. Plus, Prince uses Appolonia stock. Whatever that means. Hey- 2007 is winding down. It's time for the end-of-the-year wrap-up blang! So let's go!

TOP 6 AWESOME MOVIES OF 2007
1.Wild Hogs- Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would be such a hog for this movie! When I heard the cast included John Travolta, William H. Macy, Tim Allen, and Martin "Mar-hen" Lawrence I was happier than a pig in shit! Just when you thought Travolta was the biggest ham in the movie, along comes William H. Macy--the other white meat! I was laughing so hard at all the hogwash I ended up curled up on the floor in the fetal position getting porked in the bacon cave by Martin "you go, girl" Lawrence's laugh tenderloins ! This ensemble, made in hog-heaven, made me want to pig-out on some more Tim 'the tool-man' Allen and friends! So unlike Ice Cube, have mama cook the breakfast with hog!

2.Hairspray- In this remake of the John Waters classic, wait.... I've never actually sat through the original. Sorry. I mean I've put forth a strong effort, after all, I saw Cecil B. Demented at the theater. And I once put an eyeliner pencil-mustache on a dog. It's just like instead of sitting down and watching that, I'd rather watch something even more shocking and subversive, like Varsity Blues or On Golden Pond. John Waters is like that homeless guy that you see all the time who you hope will get his shit together and really kick some ass, but you're consistently bummed-out that he keeps stealing tapes from your car and shitting in Burger King cups. Anyway, this is a remake and it has John Travolta playing a great big fat lady. Hilarity ensues. Christopher Walken shows up in this piece, which isn't shocking. I love Walken, but I'm concerned, some of his movie picks have been a little suspect-Joe Dirt, Kangaroo Jack, Gigli, Man of the Year, The Deer Hunter, and Balls of Fury.
3.National Treasure: Book of Secrets- What can I say? Ever since Con Air, there is no caging Nicholas.

4. Failure to Launch- see photo.
5. August Rush - little disappointed in the exclusion of Geddy Lee, but overall, a strong showing from Rhys Meyers making a power-play for commercial success, thrusting power, and longevity in the hearts of Romantics everywhere. He also bangs a waitress.

6. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry- I now pronounce me fucking having a major boner for this RoCo. If you told me I was going to like a gay movie with gays and stuff and them gays getting married, i'd call you a gay homo-wad to your face. But now I'm like into gay cinema and gay porn because of Kevin James and Adam Sandler. I hope they stay gay. BTW WTF and FMUTA, who keeps hiring Dan Aykyroyd for shit? That's pretty gay.


TOP 10 MUSICAL SONGS OF 2007. I now listen to music from sources other than Target or television ads-- Nip/Tuck and Grey's, bitches.

1. Young Folks- Peter, Bjorn, and John - winners of the licensing sweepstakes.
Used in ads for American Eagle Outfitters, Napster, Amazon.com, AT&T, Budweiser. Also had appearances in Dirty Sexy Money, How I Met Your Mother, Gossip Girls, Grey's Anatomy, etc.
2. Outback Steakhouse song- Of Montreal (for Outback Steakhouse)
3. 1234- Feist (for Apple)
4. Our Country- John Mellencamp (for America)
5. Watch Us Work It- Devo (for Dell)
6. The W.A.N.D.- Flaming Lips (for Dell)
7. How Deep is Your Love- Bee Gees (for Pizza Hut)
8. Chocolate Rain- Tay Zonday (for You Tube)

Worst Music Video 2007

Three-way tie for last
Alicia Keys- No One - No one looks awesome standing awkwardly at a synthesizer trying to jam hard on it.
3 Doors Down (feat. National Guard and Revolutionary War Re-enactors)- America, Fuck Yeah!- A bonus pre-feature presentation shown before the previews at the cinema. Propaganda targeting the disenfranchised male 16-21 demographic who wanna kick some commie ass and make America a safe harbor for musical theater (it was shown prior to Sweeny Todd).


Top Trainwrecks 2007
1. It's Britney, bitch.
2. Drew Berrymore's dating career- Fabrizio Strokes to Spike Jonze to Zach Braff to the iMac commercial guy.
3. The Kerang train collision- June 5, 2007
4. Owen Wilson
5. Amy Winehouse- you were the most popular Halloween costume this year.
6. Rock of Love with Bret Michaels
7. The Modern Yawn

Top TV 2007
1. Rock of Love with Bret Michaels
2. Grease: You're the One That I Want
3. Armed and Famous
4. Sarah Silverman Program
5. Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School
6. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
7. Kid Nation
8. Victoria Beckham: Coming to America
9. Mad Men
10. Kitchen Nightmares
11. Cavemen
12. Pushing Daisies
13. The Search for the Next Elvira

Top 10 food items 2007

1. Pizza
2. Falafel (up 3 from last year)
3. Tapioca Pudding
4. Sabra brand hummus
5. Whatever new pizza Pizza Hut comes up with
6. Ranch Dressing
7. Talapia
8. Milk
9. Burger King crown-shaped Chicken Tenders(TM)
10. Frozen Vegetables

In Memoriam 2007
Yvonne DeCarlo - Lilly Munster
Calvert DeForest- Larry 'Bud' Melman
Don Ho- singer
Bobby 'Boris' Pickett- Monster Mash
Anna Nicole Smith- pickle eater
Charles Nelson Reilly
Tom Poston- Newhart
Joel Siegel- movie critic
Lee Hazlewood
Hilly Kristal- cbgb's
Porter Wagoner
Goulet
Kevin Dubrow- quiet rioteer
Evel Knievel- inspired numerous dive-poses off of a dock
Pimp C
Ike Turner- Pimp T
Richard Jeni
Tammy Faye Bakker
Marcel Marceau- walked into the wind
Kurt Vonnegut
Tom Snyder- punk-rocker/TV host
Merv Griffin
Pavarotti
Norman Mailer
Alice Coltrain
Ingmar Bergman
Pete Doherty- oh. Really? Are you sure? Sorry, my bad.