Famous Oscars Throughout History

In celebration of getting ready to jam the A-cads in my face this Sunday, I thought it might be pertinent to ground all the glitz with some motherfucking context, y'all. i mean you can only get so far when Nicole Kidman interviews Russell Crowe. I'll get to the 79th annual Academy Awards in a mizzle. Before that, i'd like to discuss some of the other famous Oscars embedded in our collective psyche. Wifout any further ado, here's some hot OSCAR-ON-OSCAR action:
1. Oscar- the movie. tagline: it's a comedy of criminal proportions! oy. Sylvester Stallone remake of an old movie not particularly worthy of revisting. Sort of like if Steven Segal decided to remake Paint Your Wagon. Stallone plays a stereotypical wop/guinea gangster- a stretch for the Italian Stallion, no doubt. Do I-talians really get upset when they get called Wop? Wop is a latin-language based term short for guapo, like in El Guapo, meaning Handsome. The Three Amigos is my fucking jam. What's the big f*ckin* deal? OK, sorry about the whoopty-shit derogatory names... I learned it from you, you dumb fucking daygo, Martin Scorsese! Not surprisingly, Marisa Tomei shows up and asks stallone about the positraction on his '64 Buick Skylark...the ruturn of Machio! Oh. Well, it might as well have been My Cousin Vinny. What are yoots? Chazz Palmentari is in it, so it's not a complete turd. And Don Ameche is in it too. And so is Joey Travolta. Why the fuck am I dissing on this chronic jam, when I could be watching it?! I'm totally re-queue-ing my netflix.
2. Oscar The Grouch. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHO THIS IS.
3. Oscar Mayer. Master of weiners, master of puppets. Definitely not related to John Mayer- although he is making one huge step for weenie kind, he's no groover.Oscar Mayer was the guy who came up with making little tubes of balogna. He knew eveyone in the world was totally into balogna, especially the spelling of it. So he took everyones fascination and paired it with something else everbody was totally into- hot dog buns. Hot dog buns at the time were actually manufactured for use with hamburger poles (never really took off). Through serindipity, sychronicity, dumb luck, or good old-fashioned mixed metaphor, someone's weiner ended up in someone's peanut butter. Have you ever seen hot balogna coming out of a pipe? It's one of those things that changes your outlook on life- I like to think of the time i saw it happen(at the Hygrade plant) as my Viet Nam. I knew after I saw that hot, creamy, khaki-colored tube being extruded from a pipe into a tube-sack, I was "in the shit" and could never go home again. I instantly envisioned myself getting off the bus in a wheelchair and an uruly mustache and making a speech to my brother: Sometimes I wish, I wish I'd - The first time I got hit, I was shot in the foot. I could have laid down, I mean - who gives a fuck now if I was a hero or not? I was paralyzed, castrated that day; why? It was all so - stupid! I'd have my dick and my balls now, and some days, Timmy - some days I think I'd give everything I believe in - everything I got, all my values, just to have my body back again, just to be whole again. But I'm not whole; I never will be, and that's - that's the way it is, isn't it? But then, i snap out of it and realize that that speech was from Born On The Fourth Of July, not an honest reaction from seeing balogna being made. The same pipe had creamy not-yet-firm hot dog meat shooting out of it like pla-dough fun factory...except it wasn't fun, and it smelled like smoked hams. Anyway, hot dogs are probably most famous for the title of Limp Bizkit's 1999 release, "Chocolate Starfish And the Hot Dog Flavored Water."

Oscar Mayer also created something called the weenie mobile- a hot dog in bun shaped car used for promotion, not your friend Ted's 1989 Ford Escort with a Baby On Board window cling, a decal of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo, and approximately 12 bumper stickers that say shit like: "No Farting," "Shit Happens," "Vuarnet" "I See Dumb People," "Easy Does It," and "Journey." Here's to you, weenie man!
4. Oscar Madison. No, not the guy who married Dolly Madison, maker of delicious Zinger brand snack cakes/sponsor of every Charlie Brown Special on CBS. Rather, the one half of the Odd Couple portrayed by Jack Klugman.
5. Oscar De Larenta- a famous gay.
6. Oscar de la Hoya- an American pugilist known primarily for being fancy.
7. Oscar Wilde- An english writer known primarily for being fancy and quoted in Smiths' lyrics.
8. Oscar from the Office. Fancy as well.
9. Oscar from the Academy Awards. A goldish statue. Well, Marisa Tomei and Roberto Benigni won them, so whatevs.

Grammy and Grampy

Sorry about the wait. i've been busy transcribing the dialogue from Top Design in hopes that one day I might use them in a Mametian adaptation for an off-off-off broadway production of the show. I think it'll fly if I can land William H. Macy to play Todd Oldham, and maybe Kevin Spacey as Jonathan Adler. Is anybody even feeling Todd Oldham on this one? First-of-ly, he looks awful and tan. Second-of-all-ly, he delivers his lines like he's reading Bridge To Terabithia to a classroom of little English-as-a-second-language children. Does anybody remeber if he was that bad on House Of Style? It didn't seem like it, but then again, the Real World didn't seem so bad at that time either. Thirdly, you're gonna have to give us a little more than "did you bring your needle and thread to make some basting stitches so the matress can get covered easier" if you wann be the star of my show, bitch. Last-of-ly, what the fuck did these people turn in to get them on this show? I can see why Goil got in (Masters in Architecture from Yale), but how fucking hard is it to go shopping at Pacific Design Center and make a room look tits? It's sort of like going to Pinconning if you hade to make an awesome castle out of cheese. They should have an elimination challenge to knock half those fuckers out and replace them with the judge's panel. Kelly Wearstler talks an awful lot of smack for someone who's major contibution to interior design was placing stacks of large art books on even larger coffee tables. I'm just kidding. I don't think she came up with that one, but someone did, so let's just give it to her! She might actually be responsible for the large pillow abuse of 1997. She's an interior designer in L.A. You know how easy it is to be an interior designer in L.A. with those resources? Fuck. That's like being a casting director in Hollywood, or a leader of an impotent gay men's choir in San Francisco.... not hard! You don't even want to know how long it took me to come up with that zinger. All i have to say is thank god for Jonathan Adler. Unlike other judges with "tact," Adler can't even stop himself from rolling his eyes and making grimaces when he looks at the finished rooms. I'm eagerly waiting for him to make the finger-down-the-throat upchuck gesture the next time someone uses lime green with aubergine accents. Plus, "See you later, decorator" is the best kick-off catch phrase since Gordon Ramsey's (Hell's Kitchen), "fuck you all." Don't get me started! I was supposed to talk about the Grammy awards. As you all know, the Grammys were last weekend, and did they ever go over like a fart in church. I'm all for diversity in categories, but what the fuck? Is it necessary to give a grammy out to Best Video Shoot Catering(Non-Craft Services: Hard Rock)? I also love the way they give out the posthumous awards to dead people for credibility because they fucked up when they were around and didn't give them a Grammy then. I mean, who didn't barf when they stuck poor ol' Bob Wills with Don Fucking Henley and had, gasp, Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts perform a mash-up medley? I filled up two buckets and a 20-0z. Diet Mountain Dew bottle with my own vommy! Or how about the Police reunion? How can you fuck up Roxanne? Add a jazzy interlude and let Sting rock a flat top, that's how! I suppose it was so they could showcase their new adult contemporary sensibilites-- I mean what master of tantric sex wouldn't want to extend his orgasm for a few moments more? Never trust a white band that borrows freely from fortuneless reggae sources and adds flanged guitar, is what i sez. And the winners are.......Justin Timberlake. JT rocked the joint twice and once it was with the competition winner, who sounded as good as Beyonce, thereby giving B a major wedge. John Mayer- managed to duely impress everone when he went all theater-crew-in-high-school and wore tennis shoes with a tuxedo. That made me think of one word- a word the was a contender to be the name of The Wild Bunch when they were forced to change their name to the Electric Six- "Fuxedo." Well, good 'ol puddin' face got to win an award and act fakely surprised when they called his name after his riveting performance (with the O face). At least he's got a hot lady....uh....Hey, how awesome was that unlikeable Dixie Chick and her poorly-executed speeches that made her sound like a dumb hillbilly? "Well, to quote the great `Simpsons': heh-heh." Royal fucking burn alert! Finally, someone please fucking shoot James Blunt. out.