No Shit, Shylock

The Stratford festival is upon thee, Yorick! Seize thine johnson and Tivo thine Star Trek! Ok, for those of you who may not be familiar with the Stratford festival, it's a summertime Shakespeare festival in Ontario, Canada where people do a bunch of plays and shit for some reason. Atendees usually range from bespectacled thespian- types--who wear patches on the elbows of their corduroy blazers, carry around earmarked, pocket-sized editions of Sumarokov's Noviye Lavry (because Chekov is too pedestrian),and are consumed by locating the best Bed & Breakfast in the immediate vacinity-- to an agglomeration of dudes who look exactly like that creepy guy that works security at Target, acne-ridden high school students who tuck their t-shirts into their jeans and are "into" loafers, and medieveal roleplayers(which also include Trekkies, due to some unholy marriage of medieval and Klingon "cultures").

Ok, so it's basically a Medieval festival for big-titted people who have a hard time waiting a full year between stuffing gigantic turkey legs down their fat, bearded faces and quoting Monty Python movies in public (in full costume). It also allows the lowly Medieval enthusiast to log off the nerd sex chat room(that means you, Mansquito_69) and get out of Mother's basement, as Mother would not pleased with too much outsider whore influence. This year's festival organizers have added a few contemporary twists to Shakespeare, including a "street" adaptation of Othello:
From Act 3, Scene iii:
OTHELLO:
Cousin, be sure thou prove my love a ho,
Walk it out and peep this that word is bond;
Or, by the cash money of mine bitch-ass soul,
Y'all need to recognize, I ain't no "Investor Gadget," you know what I'm sayin',
Y'all hadst been better best have been born a dog,
Than answer to my motherfuckin' A.K., Holla!

Theater critic Trevon "Ol'Gold" Garvey panned the performance, as well as society's fascination with Shakesphere himself:
"That praises are without reason lavished on the dead, and that the honours due only to excellence are paid to antiquity, is a complaint likely to be always continued by those, who, being able to add nothing to truth, hope for eminence from the heresies of paradox, motherfuckers."

The festival will also feature a hip, contemporary version of MacBeth directed by christian youth pastor, Robbie L. Ranger.
excerpt:
Act 3, Scene i:
Cue: gigantic laser cross, stage: ctr/ smoke machine
Sign language traslator stage r
music: Renegade by Styx


SECOND SECULAR TEENAGER:

By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open my locker, Cassie!

EnterSCOTT MACBETH

SCOTT MACBETH :
Hey guys, you secret, black, and midnight fornicators!
No! I don't want have pre-marital sex with you! I'm saving myself for my wedding night! Don't you want your first time to be special?

ALL:
A deed without a name...tee-hee.

SCOTT MACBETH:
I conjure you, by that which you profess,
Howe'er you come to know it, answer me, girls:
do you think we should like get together Friday night for a prayer sesh? I want to jam on some Matthew and Luke pronto!

CASSIE: I want to jam on some Luke and Owen myself! I'd totally take it tag-team style from Luke and the butterscotch stallion!

enter mimes

SCOTT MACBETH:
Though you untie heavy metal bands and let Ronnie James Dio fight
Against the churches; I'm kinda bummed that you guys aren't down with the "big man," you know, my #1 cool "dude"? J.C.! Jesus is thee coolest, girls! The first real "rock" star! Let's just study the bible and rid this pagan high school of blackened souls who need to get down with the king! My mom'll buy'st pizza and diet sodapop. Seriously! I want to get this done before vacation bible school! What do y'all say? C'mon, answer me! Even till cheerleader camp; answer me to what I ask you.

MIME 1:

FIRST UNBAPTIZED TEEN:
Speak. No wait, you're a mime. Walk into the wind!

CASSIE:
Demand.

SECOND SECULAR TEENAGER:
Where is the pizza coming from? Domino's?

exeunt mimes

Some of the festival's other highlights include people with tote bags, ponytails on men, and schoolbus drivers smoking cigarettes outside in the parking lot.

Editor's Note: This is fucking absurd. I need help.

Kathy Griffin Is In My Life Again........Yeah!

For some reson Kathy Griffin is in my life again. I didn't ask for it, it just kinda happened. Sort of like jock itch. Kathy Griffin, for those of you who don't know, is a nuisance comedian. Much like the female Cottonwood (Populus freemontii) that sheds her milky-white seed and gets all up in your shit and air conditioner intake, coating your lawn with a blanket of white, pure as the driven snow. Not to mention the "free kindling" aspect of said tree pooping her twigs all over one's freshly-mown creeping bentgrass, invasive roots, as well as its softwood characteristics that all but e-vite(assuming internet conductivity) the Asian Longhorned Beetle to come bore a new crib for the Summy. And, just as any nuisance tree should be dealt with, someone's got to call the DNR (assuming that said complaintant is free of guilt from all of those years of fishing without a license). While your local authority may only refer you to a nearby arborist, tree whisperer, or chainsaw sculptor, taking the first step to ridding your life of problem trees and comediens is the hardest.
So, what is it exactly about Kathy Griffin that makes her a nuisance? It's not the fact that she actually won Celebrity Mole Hawaii, although I would have liked to see Stephen Baldwin or Corbin Bernsen walk away supreme champion (yeah, I know, but the "peoples' champion" doesn't get the quarter mill in cash and prizes). It's not the fact that she is always referred to as a comedienne. It's not even that she's not funny- there are plenty of unfunny comedians. It's not that she's a lesbian, in fact, lesbians are hilarious. Mostly it's because of her abhorent personality and abrasive voice. Can you imagine what that shit sounds like in the morning? Not that I've had "adult" fantasies about it, but what if you had to sleep with her with your dick? It would be like Charlton Heston waking you up and asking you to nibble on his titties. Wait, what? I just barfed myself out. Anyway, she's got this ghastly voice that would remind ancient Chileans of the Cherufe (a creature that lives in liquid magma known for its mineral-rich flatulents and appetite for virgin flesh-- not unlike German rock troupe, The Scorpions), it should also be noted that Cherufe should not be confused with the Spanish term, Churros(a deep-fried dough pastry often served with chocolate or cinnamon)--it should also be noted that Churros are not elephant ears(a fried-dough pastry cousin of the Churro that belongs in the USDA's carnival food food group section of the food pyramid). Kathy Griffin's got some sort of
trenchmouthed (what up 90's Chicago indie rock band with Fred Armisen on drums used as an adjective?!) deviated septum attached to a foghorn (or possibly Foghat)for a voice. Not only is Kathy Griffin's voice annoying, but the fact that I can never remember if her last name is Griffin or Griffith is equally vexing. That's like one of the most annoying last names ever invented. Griffin. Andy Griffin. Griffith. Griffith Dunne. D.W. Griffith. Professor Griff. Melanie Griffith. Quick, if you were being attacked by a mythological creature that's a cross between a lion and an eagle and a black militant/rapper in charge of the Security of the First World what would you call it? That's right, Professor Griffin. So, as you can see, there are all sorts of reasons to hate Kathy Griffin. So somebody decided to give her a show about her pathetic career(The D-List) and lo and behold, she has a fucking career again. How VH1 of you. Just stop it. I know it's a Bravo show, but everyone's owned by the same crappy company. I miss you Eric Estrada. Also, she looks turdy with those cheap-ass Rembrandt veneers and nosejob. I could keep going. Dare me?

Wooderson Voted Most Hottest Bachelor

Mc Attick
In an event that can only be described as McConaughanian in scope, Matthew McConaughey- you try spelling it- was voted People magazines' Hottest Bachelor 2007. Now, I'm no pro, but like, really? Everytime I saw him in the pictures this year, he's been shirtless, short-armed, overtanned, and hobo. McConaughey is becoming an archetype unto himself. He's that guy who works out all the time, wears bandanas, meditates, and cleans up real nice for a little romantic comedy or just gets arrested for marijuana possession after being found playing the bongos naked in his home. I mean how many people like that do we all know? Types. It makes sense, seeing how McConaghey is a sun sign, Scorpio. Scorpio's are usually just like Robert Scorpio from General Hospital- but like when he was chasing Luke and Laura to find the rare and elusive Ice Princess diamond, not like the end when they had all that monkey virus bullshit after Scorpio was presumed dead from a boat explosion. Although his birth time is unknown, we know he has his Moon in Virgo. And thank God we know that much. When asked what he thought of the award, McCognauhey replied " Say man, you got a joint?" The Associated Press replied "no,not on me man..." prompting McConaughey to state: "It'd be a lot cooler if you did." All of this noteriety stems from McConaughey's landslide 2005 "Sexiest Man Alive" victory that made Patrick Dempsey, Viggo Mortensen, and Vince Vaughn look like total pieces of shit. But what makes this handsome award-winner such a hot crotch? "My favorite thing to do alone is jam in my truck and drive," a revealing answer from the down-to-earth outdoorsy gay. But McConaughey understands that his chiseled physique has as much to do with his award-winning bachelorism as his southern hobo charm does. When asked what makes his abs so much more fucking awesome than ass-friend Jake Gyllenhaal's, McConaughey is quick to reply: "Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin' right here, alright. We got 411 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper Edelbrock intakes, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' some fuckin' muscle." I'm just fuckin' around, I love McConaughey and his short-armed jams. Plus, did you know that Matthew McConaghey's brother's name is Rooster? Fuckin' A.

Top 5 McConaughey Jams
1. Reign Of Fire
2. We Are Marshall
3. How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days
4. The Newton Boys
5. Dazed And Confused

Top 3 McConaughey Girlfriends
1. Penelope Cruz
2. Jake Gyllenhaal
3. Kate Hudson

Can't Get You Out Of My Head

I was just writing "hell" and "boobless" on my calculator and just thought about how annoying some songs are. The reason I thought this was between laughs, when I was comptrolling whatever it is you call it when you use letters as numbers- My initial thought was alphanumerics, but then soon realized I couldn't convey (in the letters Aleph, Yod and Qof, or the primal, infinite energy of the Universe) "boobies," alas, it has something to do with decoding an ancient Hebrew alphabet(thanks a lot, Madonna), I was humming a treacherous tune. On one of my last posts, some anonymous replied to my list of summer jams with the 1970 effort, In The Summertime by Mungo Jerry. First-of-ly, thanks for the submission. As you can tell by the other comments, I'm a popular. In high school I was voted most likely to "blog." Second-of-ly, you totally made/ruined my day by writing a song title that ruined my day when I realized I was whistling the melody to that bewitching effort. So it got me to thinking- what are some other songs that annoyingly stick in your head-- hooks so achingly god-awfully horrendous, so wonderfully atrocious, the mere title of the song will stick the melody in your dumb head for a good spell? While most titles seem to be from the 70's, there are a few others form susequent decades that'll do the job. Oh, and a lot of songs will stick in your head if you hear them enough, but these are the more offensive ones.
1. What A Fool Believes - The Doobie Brothers. He came from somewhere back in her long ago. Often mistaken for early Michael Mcdonald, this Doob's number will have you playing brain synthesizer and wondering if the guy who is singing is black, or what?!
2.Raindrops keep falling on My Head- B.J. Thomas. You can hum the whole song if you try. Couple that with a questionable montage of bicycle riding in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance kid, and you've got bonafide shitty.
3.Baker Street- Gerry Rafferty. velvety sax, a couple bottles of Champale. Duh.
4.Southern Nights- Glen Campbell I think we all have a love/hate affair with Glen. This is definitely on the hate side of things.
5.Seasons In The Sun- Terry Jacks This one's chorus sticks in your head more than the melody per se. However, both are criminal. Unless you're Johnny Krautner...then everything makes perfect sense.
6.I Can't Wait- Nu Shooz. I swear to God.
7. She Drives Me Crazy- Fine Young Cannibals. I know, right? Why the shit are these turds even all up in my brain. Look, some people go to fight Cholera in 1925, like a conservative doctor and a restless society girl, who marry hastily and relocate to Hong Kong. There they betray each other easily, and find an unexpected chance at redemption and happiness while on a deadly journey into the heart of ancient China. Other people Netflix The Painted Veil, listen to Fine Young Cannibals, and blog to nobody.
8. Axel F.- Harrold Faultermeyer
Rockit- Herbie Hancock
19- Paul Hardcastle
Rock Me Amedeus- Falco
One Night In Bangkok- Murray Head - what kind of city is it?
Puttin' On The Ritz- Taco - Super duper.
I believe that these are all installments of one gigantic sucky song that gets stuck in your head.
9.How Bizzare- OMC what?
10. Baja Men - Who Let The Dogs Out? Did I stutter?
There's a million more but I'm bored of this.

Summer Cold, Fire Bad!

Wait. Let me hit this bottle of generic Robitussin and release some of this sinus pressure- it's called Tussin...without Robi...is that legal? There. Now I'm feeling smooth, like a WJLB jam. There are few more annoying things than a June cold. Just when the Summy hits and the sun is making everything hott and the summer jams are just kickin', ladies are outside bikini-car washing the the hell out of Corvettes in slow motion, 1980's poster artists are fucking airbrushing pictures of them...God, I love Summer. So there I am, thinkin' about skinnydipping and croquet and I get an itchy sensation in the back of my throat. 3 days after and I'm blowing phosphorescent snot out of my nose, feeling like Nick Nolte. I should have taken the day off work, but instead I went to spite the sick children that gave me the illness in the first place. I hope it's not TB. Anyway, could there be a worse feeling than being sick when it's 85 rock n' roll-over degrees and sunny? I feel like the kid who had to practice the piano in that comercial but without a reel-to-reel to fake anybody out with. I'm stuck playing the piano. The piano made with a bunch of crusty snot rags, cough drop wrappers, OK magazines, and empty tussin bottles. Ok, so maybe it's not exactly a piano. But fuckin'-A, they've made some strides with sugar-free cough drops, eh? they're delicious and all mentholated, plus they taste like regular ones and don't make you a rude, thoughtless little pig.
As I said, it started with a itch in the back of the throat and commenced to making the respitory tour to my nose. All great colds are like the Harlem Globetrotters- they keep on wowing us with their adaptability and flair for the game. But also, they tour around the globe. And if your head is a globe and the cold is Meadowlark Lemon, I think I paint a pretty convincing metaphor. So I'm waiting for my nose cold to become my chest cold- can't wait. My nose is already over this bullshit- it's all chapped and raw from non-aloe induced tissues and emergency road-dog napkins. One nostril's sinus is completely clogged while the other nosehole just drips annoyingly onto memorandums and my life's work. The pharmaceutical companies are making a killing off of me! When's the last time you check out the cold remedies at CVS? It's like the '85-'86 Boston Celtics, where I'm Kevin McHale and you're Larry Bird and everbody else is Bill Walton and we find ourselves facing the Rockets in the NBA Finals. Despite Houston's "Twin Towers," Hakeem Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson, Boston took the series in six games. Ok, maybe the sports metaphors aren't working. C'mon!
I'm on Tussin, bitches! Which reminds me, at 7-11, Kleenex brand tissues are $2.39 for a small "upright floral" box. Each box contains 85 3-Ply White Tissues 8.4 x 8.4 in (21.3 x 21.3 cm). That means, if my math is right, that each tissue is worth approximately $.0281176 (I hate aggregates)thereby making Kleenex the most expensive paper by volume next only to blotter acid. Which reminds me that being sick is like Justin Verlander pitching a no-hitter last night at Comerica Park.....

Summertime City Bitch

Awww shit! Summertime's up in this bitch. Get the sunblock, get the notary public! Set the Tivo for Hell's Kitchen! Shit's official. What can i say about the summertime? It's a love/heat affair....sorry. Anyway, Summertime has had quite a tawdry affair with rock and roll and I was just thinking to myself, "self, there are good summertime jammers and bad summertime efforts." I believe it was the fist time that I referred to songs as 'efforts.' There are obvious good ones- Summertime Blues, for example. There are bad ones, Summertime Girls by Y&T, and then there are the inadvertent Summertime jams, like Peaches by the Stranglers. Of course, there are also songs that remind you of certain Summers even if the song is about snowmobiling. I don't have a particular snowmobiling song in mind, but you can smell what the Rock is cooking. So just for shits, I thought I'd compile a list of my favorite, least favorite, and inadvertent Summertime jams- I'm also including non-rock songs for lower bias.
THE GOOD
1. SUMMERTIME BLUES- Eddie Cochran and/or Blue Cheer and/or the Who and/or T.Rex and/or Joan Jett and/or the Flaming Lips and/or your mama. It's safe to say that this is the alpha song of the summer. If you put this song in the ring with King Leonidas and Maximus, it would be way gay. But also this song's cuisine would reign supreme. The only thing I don't like about this song is that Cedar Pointe amusement park used this song in an ad in the 80's and I associated the song with overpriced admission, sun stroke, 2-hour waits in line, diarreah, and vomitting on some poor kid in a Hawiian shirt, wayfarers, and parachute pants on the Gravitron. OK, maybe that kid was actually me. It was quite astouding how the centrifugal force manage to suspend the stranger's vomit against my face and upper chest until the ride slowed down and dumb fucking gravity totally harshed my parachute pants. I guess that's why they call it the blues.
2.SUMMERTIME-Ricky Nelson
Often overlooked in the canon of summertime music, this little dickens is actually a cute little musical buddy that celebrates the season to the utmost.
3. SUMMER SUN BLUES- the Go
The Go have a cornucopia of summer-themed tunes including but not limited to Summer Sun Blues, Summer Gonna Be My Girl, Summer At The Gym, The Pharaoh's Beach, Meet Me At The Movies, and Pool Water.
4. Summer Nights- John Travolta
Tell me more, tell me more.
5. Catalina- The Descendents
Sure, you can take your boat out to Catalina during other seasons when you're in Southern California, but I'm projecting, damn it.
5. Sunny Afternoon- The Kinks
6. Summer Madness- Kool & the Gang
Oh, what's that? You didn't think I was gonna get all fusion on your ass?
7. HEATWAVE- Martha & the Vandellas
This one's not really about summer....or is it?! I was torn between putting this in this catagory or the inadvertent one.
8. SUMMER WINE- Nancy & Lee
9. HOT IN HERRE- Nelly
10. Rock Lobster- B-52's
11. Hot Fun In The Summertime- Sly & The Family Stone
12. Here Comes The Summer- Undertones
Sure, Feargal Sharkey always wore a turtleneck, but put on either Undertones records(yes, I know. Positive Touch was their mulligan) and you'll freak out and want to play badminton.
13. Too Hot- The Specials
14. Rockaway Beach- The Ramones
15. Surfin' Bird- The Trashmen/Ramones/Cramps


THE BAD
1. Summertime- Jamie Foxx
Not to state the obvious, but Jamie Foxx is. The R&B set really are ghastly lyric writers. Exhibit A: Summertime lyrics by Jamie Foxx Early in the mornin', around this time of year
I like to sit around the pool and get my chill on, yes I do
Well sippin' on a glass 'o wine, or my favorite kind of beer
When I'm feelin' oh so right, you know that you can't go wrong
Exhibit B: The Zoo by R. Kelly
It's like a jungle atmosphere
And we're two monkeys baby
It's like we're on a vine
The way we're swinging it baby
See, you're a tiger girl
The way you're scratching me
I'm a lion
In this jungle I'm a king
Girl, I got you so wet
It's like a rain forest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I'm your sex-a-saurus baby
You and me hopping
Like two kangaroos
Rattling and moaning
Out here in these woods
I SHIT YOU NOT.
2. Summer Breeze- Seals & Croft
3. THE HEAT IS ON- Don Henley
4. Margaritaville/Cheeseburger In Paradise- Jimmy Buffet. Both these songs make you feel old and white and bored and poisoned. Includes the sensation of being on the Gravitron.
5. Summer In The City- Lovin' Spoonful
I hate this fucking song.

THE QUEEN
WALK DON'T RUN- The Ventures
PEACHES- The Stranglers
SHOTGUN- Junior walker & the all-stars
DEAD MAN'S CURVE- Jan & Dean

Got any "efforts" to add to these lists? Send me your suggestions, or text my ass and I'll compile the answers and think about them for like a second and then not do anything with them.

New Balance Fades

Whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my revolver. Hanns Johst, Schlageter, act 1 scene 1

Ok, I'm offically offended. Insulted, even. I'm mortified! Put 'em up, put 'em up! No, it's not that I used a pretentious block quote that i got from a unsubstantiated internet source to kick things off...No, it's not Paris Hilton again- I'm totally over that dude. Someone--and you shall remain nameless, Dylan Adair-- has designed a Joy Division sneaker for New Balance. The shoe uses the imagery from the Peter Saville's iconic Unknown Pleasures cover art. I don't even know where to begin with this information. I guess we could dismantal commodity culture, but then we might get accused of being into that shitty Consolidated band, or worse, into social studies. Remember those kids in school that were into social studies? They looked and dressed all stage crew except they knew who Ayn Rand was, could pronounce her name correctly, and were aware of other cultures. Anyway, this particular bullshit bothers me much more than other bands being used to sell crap. I don't know why exactly-- believe me, there are plenty of other atrocity exhibitions concerning cross-market lifestyle segmentations adapted to exploit target demographic subsets associated with niche culture and perceived brand equity (on net unduplicated audiences). Hot Topic( a NASDAQ publicly traded corporation) exists for God's sake! The Ramones and the Misfits are popular brands. I've seen unspeakable horrors: Motorhead onesies, Misfits panties, Slayer moccasins, Negative Approach umbrellas, Velvet Underground jogging suits. ok, i made that last one up. My point is this- Joy Division were an incredible and important band. New Balance are a great shoe company--especially in Europe, because all great shoes are only available in Europe. it's like some sort of fucked-up shoes club that you aren't invited to join because you live in America and you blow. That's fine, Europe, you keep your awesome shoes, and we'll keep the personal watercraft. Think about that the next time you want go jet-skiing. Getting back to Joy Division- Joy Division's mythos and gravitas are more akin to a great body of literature than a pair of trainers (that's what they call shoes in England and Luxembourg). I'm imagining what Dickens might have thought about his Tale Of Two Cities Adidas. Now I'm imagining what Charles Dickens would look like naked. It's a fun little parlor game- imagining what famous authors look like naked.
And if you really ever want to take Geoffery Chaucer, Dante Alighieri, Albert Camus, or Fyodore Dostoevsky down a notch, picture them taking a dump between penning chapters- one world, one love, bro. Wait, so what the fuck was i talking about? oh, right, shoes. The "trainers" in question are, in their own right, not too shabby. The understated design is nice-looking, and to use an even better descriptive adjective, good. So i don't have a problem with the aesthetic qualities of the product. However, the only design i have seen depicts white shoes, which can be problematic. If you're totally not into "getting your Jordan's scuffed," you might not totally be into the white- plus you can only wear them between Memorial Day and Labor Day, which sucks for those melencholic walks you like to take in the Fall. Ultimately, it's up to the wearer if this product seems like a good idea or not. Who the fuck is going to buy these shoes? Get the Dickens Adidas.

FIRE IN THE SKY

Over 1,680 heshers showed up on a field to simultaneously rock Deep Purple's Smoke On The Water to set a new World record. While the intent to set the World's Record for most guitars playing the same song was admirable, the unitentional World's Records set during the performance may be an even bigger story.

5 other World Records set during Smoke On The Water sesh:

1. Single Largest Blatent Disregard For The Rest of Deep Purple's Catalog, including much better and way fucking heavy songs like Spacetruckin', Maybe I'm A Leo, Living Wreck, Speed King, and Highway Star.
2. Longest (Non-Metallica Related) Tuning Session.
3. Largest Gathering of Guitar Center Employees Outside of New Jersey.
4. Largest Congregation of Heshers "Totally Fucked-Up" At A Non-Pink Floyd Laser Light Show Event.
5. Single Largest Concentration of Guys Who Look Like Mike Shank.
6. Longest Song Start Delay Due To Awesome Fucking Battle Solos.** Still Under Review
The other part of the story that they forgot to tell you is that they plugged all the guitars into a single Peavey practice amp. And to answer your question, yes. They did strategically place the amplifier against wood paneling to authenically duplicate the exact way it sounds in the participant's parents' basements.














PARIS HILTON IS SICK. NO SHIT.
So, like Paris Hilton has some "medical condition" that is allowing her to be on house arrest instead of getting butched-in and bull-dagged in the pokey. Wow, that took all of about 3 days before her lawyers figured out a way to keep that fat bitch from getting her salad tossed. Since when can you get out of jail free just because you have the VD? Pardon me, I meant "an undisclosed medical condition?" This sucks. I'm totally bummed out by the legal system. Motherfuckers be actin' like ain't such a thing as Stare Decisis! Makes me wanna bust it all Jerry Spence-style, grow my silver locks long, get a fringe leather jacket, kick some Southwest flava and just get all Damnum Absque Injuria and have ourselves a little Dies Irae!

Blood Makes Noise

Suzanne Vega was right. My name is Luka. Listen, that's what I've been doing a lot of lately, listening. Dig this big crux- I don't need an iPod these days. I have my catalog on my computer, which in turn is connected to my stereo, which in turn, is connected to loudspeakers throughout the crib, which can bypass with a go/no go switch straight into a biomorphic input jack on my skull, dudes. It was several months after figuring out that I could jack my computer to my stereo and skip the middle-man for deep discounts. I wish I knew you didn't really need an iPod as long as you had iTunes on deck. I know what you're saying- the iPod is convenient and portable. Well, I dont port it to my car cuz I dint wanna spend 80.00 on a transmitter, plus AM is much better for your car. Secondly, just what I need: something else in my car to worry about getting jacked. Ok, so the solution is to get a portable speaker/docking station so you can take your thing somewhere away from your speakers and jam. OK. Uh....the garage? Unlikely, because if you live in Detroit, you're gonna have a hard time setting up because of all the garage rockers and their full-clevelands and vintage musical equipment all up in your carport and shit. However, if you're patient enough, those pesky garage rockers will grow tired of the negativity in Detroit and move to Nashville. Nashville is the new Seattle! So anyway, the other problem with the iPod is that everybody including my dad has one. So if there is a situation that calls for jams, everybody brings they iPods and then it's a cluster cuz then you have to fight over whose iPod is going to be used- and even if you figured that one out, it's blowy because you've already shared all your fucking files with your dumb friends and they have the same catalogue you do minus the embarassing stuff you didn't want anybody to know you listen to in the first place. What do you do? And another thing is that when you busy trying to be on the cutting edge of technology, you bought one of the early iPods and it seems like it's about the size of a VHS tape at this point- plus it doesn't even have video so you can watch whatever the fuck on a really tiny screen or whatever. What do people watch on iPods anyway? Episodes of Ned & Stacey? So there you are with your dumb obsolete iPod. Little heads up- don't buy one of the first iPhones. Wait. Cuz by Christmas next year they'll have a better model...with a laser pointer. Let's rock!
Recent downloads:
Lip Gloss- Lil' Mama
When it's, time for lunch, my lips still rock
Lil' Mama melon with da hot pink top
Cherry, vanilla, flavors is a virture
Dey, lovin! Lip gloss universal
The boys really like it, the girls don't speak
They - rollin they eyes, they lip gloss cheap
It ain't my fault, but I could up-graaade ya
Show you how to use nice things with nice flaaaavas

Some people toil and sweat over lyrics, others are just blessed. Best single of the year- hands down.


Train For Tomorrow- Electric Prunes
It's not the best song ever by not the best band ever, but I marvel at the queer production of this tune. It's so drenched with reverb and atmosphere it hardly has an unmuffled sound save the clap/snare. And just when you think you're safe, there's a jazz interlude worthy of Jim Morrison's mellowtop and/or Chris McInnis' mellow foundations. But seriously, have you ever wondered why the fuck you'd call your band the Electric Prunes? Maybe Electric Dildos was taken. I can understand the electric part- it make a lot of words seem awesomer, but prunes? Why not apricots or raisins or dates or figs?

Single I tried to sell back to iTunes: Peter Bjorn and John- Young Folks. I might like this song again in about 2 years, but right now it's running dangerously close to Hey Ya! territory.

mtv movie awards recap modotti

Some bands have the tendency to overthink they song titles and commence to making them sound all cool or whatever the fuck. As I have previously discussed, the Fall and Pavement win the spirit award for creative song titling. Fugazi gets the participant ribbon but doesn't quite place in this competition. I love me some Fugz, but Fugazi have the problem of naming their songs with dictionaried words and words that sound referenced, but ultimately end up contributing to the unlikeable pomposity of their entire essence. Let me illustrate:
Here's a top 10 list of Fugazi song titles that sound like they tried too hard:
1. Smallpox Champion
2. Ex-Spectator
3. Recap Modotti
4. Caustic Acrostic
5. Forensic Scene
6. Walken's Syndrome
7. Cassavetes
8. Facet Squared
9. Long Distance Runner
10. Sieve-fisted Find
Ok, so that's the protracted endeavor of Fugazi's pretense. It should be noted that this is over an almost 20-year span-- some bands like At The Drive-In have managed to have 10 pretentious sounding titles in one album (Arcarsenal, Mannequin Republic, One Armed Scissors, Enfilade, Non-Zero Possibilty, etc. all from Relationship Of Command). While some sweet-assed rock critic from Spin might use the terms intelligent or cereberal to describe these bands and their titles, I'll give you a few fake titles in about a tithe of a second that'll make me sound all cerebral...
Top 5 Fake At The Drive-In or Fugazi song titles
1. Reduction Militia
2. Intimidation Precept
3. Signal To Aviator*
4. Incandescent/Fluorescent
5. Fitzcarraldo Ornament
*Suitable for an emo band name. Or, actually, any of these will work if you just add a dangling modifier to them.
I'm emo'd out. Let's talk turkey....MTV turkey!
Last night was the MTV Movie Awards as seen on cable or satellite television station MTV. MTV was a television station that played promotional music videos starting in 1982. They later went on to do specialty programming that all but eliminated actual music videos from their repertoire. Now a days, you're more likely to see college kids playing with feces and throwing up on each other than actual videos. But the hipster geniuses at MTV have perpetuated a movie awards show that is pretty much the highlight of their programming year. Last night was no exception. Highlight reel:
1. Sarah Silverman hosts. I just about crapped my pants and fed it to my housemate(MTV Real World style)when Sarah Silverman made the Paris Hilton joke about painting the prison bars like penises so she would feel more comfortable- after a priceless reaction shot of Paris, Silverman continued to say something to the effect of why should I feel dirty after saying that? Which was great because you almost felt bad for Paris Hilton, but then realized that she's a sucky rich bitch celebrity who does nothing but humiliate people on her tv show and get dry-jammed by every VD-infected tool she comes across, so PARIS CAN SUCK IT. Also, Sarah Silverman's a hottie...she's like Jonathan Silverman but with awesome tits. C'mon, we've all had that Caddyshack II fantasy, right broughams?
2. Jack Nicholson's rambling speech that made no fucking sense. Plus, what's the deal with his voice? Does he have emphyzema or something? It sounded like he drank a gallon of vitaman D milk and gargled some large-curd cottage cheese before he spake. He also might have been out to sea without Shirley McLaine or Merryl Streep there to get his inside jokes.
3.Amy Winehouse. Super.
4.Bruce Willis slurring his way through a casual shirt that my girlfriend's dad would wear.
5.Robin Williams did this fantastic bit of comedy where he said some words with a convivial Mexican/of Latin origin accent. I mean he just killed! Like I thought Dane Cook was the shit-hot comedian of the night, but then out of nowhere, Robin Williams had me floored- practically barfing over his masterful comedy schtick. Imagine Robin just freestyling with a Mexican accent...in a kilt. Hilarious!
6. Spoof! I did it again! A bunch of losers spent a bunch of money making spoofs of nominated(?) movies. Apparently, all you have to do is somehow work a Quentin Tarrentino film into your lame video productions class project(mine was a bad-dubbed kung-fu movie), kick the special effects generator and write a bunch of embarrasingly bad jokes. I really was embarrassed for humanity when I was watching Little Miss Squirtgun(??) Fuck you for fucking up the bell curve, you're all losers.
7. Tivo crammed the entire show all into a concise 1:30:00. Back to Man Vs. Wild!!!
I'M OUT.