a commitment to 2008 and of course, you or whatever. I made the "big-guy-upstairs" a promise that I would make at least one entry per week for the Yawn. I don't know if I've told you about my close, personal relationship with J.C.- "the big-guy-upstairs." Jurgen Calvin is this fat fucking German who lives upstairs from me. He's renting out my attic and using it to record some gothic industrial bands- it's a pretty big deal- one of the synth guys in one of the bands knows a guy who has Al Jourgensen's number on his iPhone. The thing that pisses me off most about the bands he records (and the smell of bockwurst curing--I know, I had no concept of this meat either) is the names of these bands - Brennendes Themai, which might sound OK in German, but translated, it means Hot Topic. Wolfpriest might not sound too bad either, but with types of 'wolf' band names floating around these days, good luck! I mean how hard is it to come up with a band name? Gothlete, Knifemare, Suicide Pretention. There you go. Three free of charge, bitches. Sidebar: in the movie Juno, Jason Bateman, or George Michael's dad, as I like to call him, was in a band that opened for the Melvins, however, his band's name is never revealed. Thank god. Because band names, no matter how plausible they may be, sound fake (at least Richard Linklater-penned) in movies. You know in High Fidelity the name of Jack Black's band is Sonic Death Monkey. What the fuck? Who had the board meeting, got Jack Valenti in on the con-fab and decided 
that bands with 'monkey' in their title are something actual people would actually do? Yes, I'm excluding your college jam band, Touch My Monkey, who used to slay open mic night with your cover of Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffet. Keep up with me, McCognaughey. O.K. luckily Cusack's girlfriend Laura (Iben Hjejle) was foreign-tennis-player hot.... sort of like Bjorn Borg with bangs and lady tits. But what about all the other crappy names that fake bands have in fake movies? List- go.1. The Barbusters- Light of Day
2. Eddie and the Cruisers- s/t
3. Mystery- Satisfaction and Detroit Rock City
4. Citizen Dick- Singles
5. Steel Dragon - Rockstar
6. Hey, That's My Bike- Reality Bites
7. Loveburger- Can't Hardly Wait
8. The Ultimate Losers- Slacker
9. Wylde Rattz- Velvet Goldmine
Honourable mentions for shitty lead singer names: from Velvet Goldmine- Curt Wild and Brian Slade
from Rockstar- Bobby Beers
After careful consideration, I'm going to change canoes here and champion the people who came up with great fake band names for stuff. With that, there are several names from flicks that have passed muster:
1. Sid Arthur- Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
2. Autobahn- Lebowski
3. The Hot Rollers- Nice Dreams
4. And And And - Commitments
5. Baldwin and the Whiffles- Cry Baby6. Big Fun- Heathers
7. Blender Children/Cube Squared- Tapeheads
8. Ming Tea -Austin Powers
9. Pink Slip - Freaky Friday
10. Sexual Chocolate - Coming to America
Honorable mentions for genius names: all three from CB4 - MC Gusto, Dead Mike, and Stab Master Arson- they all have to work together or not at all.Also: The Queen Haters from SCTV and Leather and the Suedes from Happy Days and Lenny & the Squigtones, Zack Attack from Saved By the Bell, and Pain from CHiPs.
If you can think of any from either list let me know. In the meantime enjoy these:
2 comments:
Who the fuck was Charlie Sexton? Was he real? Wasn't he in John Cafferty's Beaver Brown Band? His two videos were on my MTV all the goddamned time when my parents first got cable. I'd be patiently waitng for Madonna's Lucky Star video to play again so that i could "experiment," and would have to sit there with a bone-on through another one of his retarded songs. God I hated that guy.
Nice call on "Big Fun." That name was perfect.
Here's a couple I think are shitty enough to be worthy: Wyckyd Sceptyr. (I know, it was done to be funnily-bad but it sounds way to fake.) And Wyld Stallions huffs dong, too.
Promisekeeper, my ass.
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