THE O-FACE

I'm feelin' the A-cads this year. I'm about to drink your milkshake. Drink it up! Other years concerned themselves with Sean Penn and what movie Sean Penn was either in or not in or how Sean Penn is the finest Phillip Seymore Hoffman of his generation or what have you, while other members of the Academy (cut to Nicholson's reaction) and such were concerned with voting in actors whom: a.) attempted retarded (cut to Jamie Foxx noticing himself being noticed) or b.) have successfully fulfilled requisite retardation for shoe-in nommies (cut to Juliette Lewis' place card ) Mind you, this is not to make light of retardation, but to further illustrate said nominee's masterful control of his or her "instrument" and/or "craft", etc. to portray special needs homies. Traditionally, executive bonuses are doled for either ethnic or Scientological actrons participating in features concerning romance, heartwarming comedy and retardation-- or the gold standard, right honorable Giovanni Ribisi Memorial Cash Settlement for the benefit of Kirstie Alley's dinner check. Fried! That was sooo Jeffrey Lyons of me. Anyway, this year is special insofar as the nominees' roles are a.) not drinking from the already dessicant well of retardtivity, b.) not making crystal meth addiction the new retarded, c.) not retarded crystal meth addicts (this gets into the murky and often frowned-upon Harmony Korine/ Crispin Glover territory) So here's my pricks for this year's movie prizes:

Best Actor (in a leading role)Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be-Blood. 

 Daniel Day-Lewis is all, "my left foot? It's broke.

 Commence to swingin' from my left nut, as if you were an 28-foot oil derrick." What? Like he wasn't thinking that? This ain't the Age of Innocence, y'all. He's got a competition in him. Besides, who's gonna step in the ring?

Viggo? Cloon-Tang clan? yeah, okay.

Best Lady Actor (leading role)-
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose. Julie Christie this, Julie

 Christie that. Julie Christie reminds me of Agatha Christie which reminds me of Nancy Drew which in turn reminds me of Miss Manners, Judith Martin, who reminds me that I ought respond to a dinner party invitation in kind, using the degree

 of formality in which the invitation was conveyed. Don't get me started on Heloise! Hey Christie, why don't you go back to your highly successful auction house and bid on yourself. You think you're on Golden Pond, bitch? Why don't you go suck face and cruise chicks at the BAFTA awards instead? Cotillard is so in-your-face on this one, it hurts. I usually wouldn't pick a lady from a foreign film as best actor with lady parts, but I'm going with Jackie on this one and riding the dark horse of Cotillard stables.

Best Supporting Actor -Javier Bardem- 

No Country For Old Men. No Competition For Bar Dem. Dude is sickening in this. Ever wish that actors were sometimes not

 actors and instead were just weird hitmen with gnarly haircuts and black polyester Levi's who they just found in Barstow and put in a movie? I was kinda bummed out that Jav was actually a pedigreed man with an acting career. Or, conversely, a pedigreed actor with a man career. Either way, I'm lucky because my friend Johnny has long hair and wears black polyester Levi's and he just likes to get stoned and listen to bubblegum music instead of relying heavily on fate and mercilessly killing people with a captive-bolt pistol.

Best Supporting Lady Actor- 

Amy Ryan- Gone Baby Gone. I guess. This is sort of like choosing your favorite air freshener. Who gives a shit if it's citrusy or flowery as long as it doesn't give you asthma? This is the category that's gonna fuck your ballot up royally. Shit is toight! Tilda Swinton has just as good a chance, but I can't pull the trigger on her- she kind of frightens me, like in an M. Night Shymalan kind of way...OK, bad example. Swinton's gonna win isn't she? Do you see my dilemma? Gone Baby Gone has to win for something, right? Or maybe not. Has anybody even seen this piece of shit?

Best Director(s)-
Joel and Ethan Coen- No Country for Old MenWhy not? I guess they seem likable, right? At least they're not as creepy as those whack-jobs, the Wachowski brothers. Not as funny as the Marx brothers, but almost as funny as the Van Dyke broughams. Anyway, the only reason I'm picking them over PT Anderson is that There Will Be Blood might kinda blow if not for DD-L. I'm trying to imagine who could replace Daniel Day-Lewis and get away with an Oscar contender. Short list: Geoffry Rush, Ian McShane, Ray Winstone...basically, anybody who was in Sexy Beast. That's abou it. And that's why No Country shall prevail!  I hope that sack of shit Schnabel doesn't pop up in there like an unwanted air-conditioning boner in pajamas and yellow-tinted wayfarers. Besides, Schnabel, I'm still holding you accountable for the Soho art scene of the late 1980's.....well, you and Keith Harring. You killed Basquiat! You stabbded him in the heart with a shard of broken plate!

Best Picture (Movie Type Motion Picture)-No Country For Old Men.
Some people are griping about the ending, but it makes perfect sense if you see it twice and not high. The whole meaning of the movie is in the title of the movie. Some critic-types like to rely on nieuance and conjecture and fancy Harvard degrees when trying to decipher meaning from certain movies- I like to read the title and/or look at the poster as context clues as to what the dumb-shit movie is about. 9 times out of 10 the title will clue you in to what it's about. For example: Jaws- while the title itself doesn't tell you it's about a giant rubber shark who eats awesome 70's tits, THE POSTER might help you out. Either way, jaws are involved in this motion picture. In the case of No Country for Old Men, Tommy Lee Jones plays what? An old man. Henceforth, this is no country for him! So what's with the soliloque at the end? He's pointing out that he'll never be able to change anything and ultimately, the country will always be filled with outlaws and mop-topped freaks who like to get they kill on. Cleanin' it up just ain't in the cards, hombre. It's just a dream, brotha. This ain't intramurals, It's the motherfuckin' badlands, for certain. Anyway, this movie spake to me more than Blood, so I give it bigger gold star.

Best Supporting MILF-
You wish, pervy.

GLARING NOMINATION OMISSIONS:
BEST ACTOR:Russell Crowe, 3:10 To Yuma
Emile Hirsch, Into the Wild
Denzel Washington, American Gangster
That little English kid, This is England 

Ruffalo, Zodiac
Sam Riley, Control

Best Picture:
Superbad

Knocked Up

Zodiac
American Gangster

Best Lady:
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd

Best Soundtrack:
There Will Be Blood- I know, there's one Brahms piece so it's dq'd, but I'm gonna go ahead and say fuck off to the academy.
Into the Wild- say what you will about edward vedder, it worked.

I'm not gonna bother with the rest. Just divy it up - coustumes and shit go to Sweeney Todd, Ratatouille.

SEE YOU AT THE MOOOVIIES!

I'd also like  to take this opportunity to say that I'm sorry for any of my Friendsters that I left hangin' for like 3 years. I promise that I'll answer your 2005 questions shortly. And in some cruel twist of fate, we shall all go back home, even though we can never go home again.