Oscar Aftermayhem: Losers, Boozers, and Who Are You Wearing?

I hate to say I told you so, but I did, didn't I...tell you so? Bastard in a basket! Save for the pesky 'best supporting actress', I was fairly accurate when it came to predicting Oscar gold and the associated pomp and ballyhoo that comes with that brand of accolade. Now, I'm not suggesting that my picks were controversial or even daring, but I did ride the "dark horse of Cotillard Stables" into Best Actressdom Hills (a gated community, with 3-bedrooms starting in the low 1.3's). I also brazenly predicted that John Travolta would steal the show (he often does) and be the #1 goldbricker who actually applies Ronco Spray-On Hair ('as seen on TV', again!) to the scalp before a nationally televised event...did I stutter? No, a stammer is quite different from a stutter. As predictable as the night was, it was altogether unpredictable when it came to the glitzy razamatazz Hollywood is famous for (imagine Humphrey Bogart, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and a duffing soda jerk at the same sad diner!) First off, here's my disses:

Low-lifes:

Diablo Cody winning best original screenplay. After cringing through the Sunny Delight portion of this screenplay, we run into the term "homeskillet," delivered, no doubt, by Dwight from The Office. We are later dry-jammed by the proposition that a sixteen-year-old girl is going to have the Stooges, the Runaways, and Patti Smith tied for her 'favorite band'...only to then be preposterously lead to believe that the same sixteen-year old is going to have an opinion about Dario Argento movies. Knock it off, Cody. Save that projecting shit for your Seacrest interview. BTW, nice Flintstones dress, adult entertainer.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay going to Joel and Ethan Coen. I make love to No Country, however, it was total bullshark that There Will Be Blood didn't snag this one. It should have been 'in the pocket' for the milkshake dialogue alone. The only reason I can think of for the dis is that Daniel Day-Lewis Mad-libbed a bunch of shit instead of sticking to the screenplay. Daniel Plainview :  That was one __Adjective__ helluva show. Goddamn!

Jon Stewart's John Travolta's airplane joke. I can't believe that Bret Michaels has trademarked the prase "hi-yo!" Stewart should have totally risked litigation and used a "hi-yo" after that church fart. Get thee to a Bret's Brew ASAP, Big Jon.

Jon Stewart's iPhone joke. Really? Did you really? Did you just use an iPhone as a "new media" joke prop? Your awesome card is on probation.

Miley Ray Cyrus' whole thing. First off, nice face, bitch. You're like 13 and you already look like you got hit in the face with a cartoon skillet. Second of-ly, nice haircut. Where'd you get it? Subway? Is Subway giving haircuts now? Give me a 6" Cold Cut Trio on Wheat, toasted. Everything except hot peppers. A little bit of mayonnaise. I said a little bit, Tranny! Gaaaah. Baked Lays. 

And a mohawk.

The Academy for skimping on the in memoriam segment. No Renfro? No Anna Nicole? No Charles Nelson Reilly? No Roy Scheider? No Richard Dreyfuss? No Rob Schneider ? No David Blaine? No cast of Friends? No Michael Richards? No justice, no peace, motherfuckers!

Highlifes

The banana peel they put by the podium where types of famous peeps almost bit it. 

Oscar's salute to binoculars and periscopes

Gaydolf Titler

Rage Against the Machine's PMRC protest

No Sean Penn lectures about how Jude Law is one of the 'finest actors of his generation'

No Robin Williams