1. Spelt. No, not the fake indie band from that handbag mixed tape (pause mix) from 1994. You know, the fake indie band that had that fake song between The La's and Oasis, because who could have predicted that Oasis would turn out to be such useless douchebags, after all, even? The grain...or, it's a grain, right? It's sort of like a mix between rice and barley, with some nuttiness to it. It might just solve your 'I don't know what to have for dinner tonight, rice or barley or nuts?' problem. I'll just skip the nuts for dinner joke, I'm too cosmopolitan for that balderdash, buttholes.
2. The Dog Show. It's sort of like a dog and pony show, but no pony. Dog people are weird. Not dog owners, Dog people. They're like werewolves but instead of fucking around with the Creature from the Black Lagoon, they eat peoples trash and work security at Target. Oddly enough, they shop at K-Mart for Tom McCann shoes, misty taupe L'eggs control-top pantyhose and Jacqueline Smith separates. But about the show, if you even just kinda like dogs, it's worthwhile. Even if your experience with dogs is primarily through watching My Dog Skip or the criminally overlooked Beethoven series-- big ups to Grodin--or jamming the Baha Men's Y2K hit, Who Let the Dogs Out? or even just calling your feet your "dogs," you'll
love the dog show. You can see all types of dogs- from ones that are famous- Cujos, Totos, Lassies, Man's Best Friendses, Hooches, Spuds McKenzies, Alex from Stroh's, those fucked up ones from Men in Black, Cliffords and TacoBells- to ones that just think they're famous! (Go back and read that sentence again like Steven Kojocaru would) Just by listing famous dogs, you realize that there is a lot of room for new dog stars- I can't figure out why there hasn't been a dog-buddy pic that features a Cardigan Welsh Corgi, Komondor, Bouvier des Flandres, or Affenpinscher yet. It's like, what the F, Bruckheimer? Did you ever see that movie, Best in Show? Well, if you haven't, it's a Christopher Guest movie that was made back when he was funny. It's just like that except that instead of Parker Posey, you get some weird mid-state woman who heats with propane and lets her kids pretend the above-ground septic tank is a bio-fuel 4-wheeler prototype.
3. Lost- never in my whole TV life did I expect to like something that makes as little sense and is as hopelessly hopeless(no matter what plot twists and secrets are divulged, it's not supposed to end for two and a half more seasons--aprox. 58 episodes) as this made-for-TV clusterfuck. Now, I'm not as bad as some people who dabble in nerdsmanship and jam to Lost podcasts on the elliptical at the YMCA, but I'm totally into TV that insults my multiple intelligences, beguiles my mind grape, grudge fucks me, and makes me feel stupid for loving Matthew Fox......again.
4. Actress Bai Ling stealing batteries and Star magazines from the airport. I love when actresses shoplift. I think she was Asian. Free Winona!
5. Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. And the fact that they actually secured the rights to Iron Man by actual Black Sabbath and not some contrafracting karaoke version done by like I don't know, someone featuring fucking Chad Kroger. To think that RDJr. went from a gapped-tooth asshole who dumped slushie all over Gary and Wyatt at the mall to playing a 3rd-line superhero....well, everything is just coming into focus these days for us, innit?
6. J.K. livin'. Matthew MacConaughey is going global with his brand of hesher/casual beachwear line. We'll assume that the collection will be shirtless, brothers and mamas. I look forward to wearing his bandanas, flip flops, and water wings. BTW the JK part is "just keep" in JK livin'. Fool's gold, I tell ya!
7. Deathstorm 2008. For those of you thought snow was extincting due to Al Gore movies, Mother Nature's all, "suck on it, Midwest!" The Great Lakes will be one foot higher this
Summer because of all this accumulation, which is gonna probably make a couple people get bellysmacked from diving and not accounting for the extra foot before splashdown. Ouch!
8.Tax Rebate Cheques. I don't know why I spelt it all Canadian. So in May, I plan on stimulating the shit out of the economy by buying $600 worth of Crystal Meth, thereby kicking off IRS Summer 2008! I'm just kidding, please don't audit me.
9. They found Moby Dick. While hanging out (skeet shooting found pirate china) near the Aleutian islands, some researchers saw a white killer whale. One of the researchers, Jeff, quickly threw his hacky sack down and rummaged through his hair to find the camera and snap one off.
The mythical creature then jumped out of the water, did a jazz routine, and said,"you think I'm special, you should see the giant squid or the 6-tentacled octopus, or the fresh water stingray.....hi-yo!"
10. Blogs. Spirit award goes to you. I don't know how you people do it. I can't read anyone's blog all the way through. Diablo Cody's has tits even and I gave up after one paragraph of self-serving hack. They bore the shit out of me. Then again, I'm not a strong reader.
0 comments:
Post a Comment