Retractions

I earlier reported that Miley Ray Cyrus was like 13 and already looked like she got hit in the face with a cartoon skillet. Miley Ray Cyrus is 15 and looks like she got hit by a cartoon frying pan. I am also reporting a change of heart after seeing the M-dog chug Heinz 57 Ketchup on Leno. If she continues this type of behavior, she may find herself in my good graces. One suggestion: instead of Ketchup, next time try something even more teeny-boppery, like Heinz 58 Kerosene.

Oscar Aftermayhem: Losers, Boozers, and Who Are You Wearing?

I hate to say I told you so, but I did, didn't I...tell you so? Bastard in a basket! Save for the pesky 'best supporting actress', I was fairly accurate when it came to predicting Oscar gold and the associated pomp and ballyhoo that comes with that brand of accolade. Now, I'm not suggesting that my picks were controversial or even daring, but I did ride the "dark horse of Cotillard Stables" into Best Actressdom Hills (a gated community, with 3-bedrooms starting in the low 1.3's). I also brazenly predicted that John Travolta would steal the show (he often does) and be the #1 goldbricker who actually applies Ronco Spray-On Hair ('as seen on TV', again!) to the scalp before a nationally televised event...did I stutter? No, a stammer is quite different from a stutter. As predictable as the night was, it was altogether unpredictable when it came to the glitzy razamatazz Hollywood is famous for (imagine Humphrey Bogart, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and a duffing soda jerk at the same sad diner!) First off, here's my disses:

Low-lifes:

Diablo Cody winning best original screenplay. After cringing through the Sunny Delight portion of this screenplay, we run into the term "homeskillet," delivered, no doubt, by Dwight from The Office. We are later dry-jammed by the proposition that a sixteen-year-old girl is going to have the Stooges, the Runaways, and Patti Smith tied for her 'favorite band'...only to then be preposterously lead to believe that the same sixteen-year old is going to have an opinion about Dario Argento movies. Knock it off, Cody. Save that projecting shit for your Seacrest interview. BTW, nice Flintstones dress, adult entertainer.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay going to Joel and Ethan Coen. I make love to No Country, however, it was total bullshark that There Will Be Blood didn't snag this one. It should have been 'in the pocket' for the milkshake dialogue alone. The only reason I can think of for the dis is that Daniel Day-Lewis Mad-libbed a bunch of shit instead of sticking to the screenplay. Daniel Plainview :  That was one __Adjective__ helluva show. Goddamn!

Jon Stewart's John Travolta's airplane joke. I can't believe that Bret Michaels has trademarked the prase "hi-yo!" Stewart should have totally risked litigation and used a "hi-yo" after that church fart. Get thee to a Bret's Brew ASAP, Big Jon.

Jon Stewart's iPhone joke. Really? Did you really? Did you just use an iPhone as a "new media" joke prop? Your awesome card is on probation.

Miley Ray Cyrus' whole thing. First off, nice face, bitch. You're like 13 and you already look like you got hit in the face with a cartoon skillet. Second of-ly, nice haircut. Where'd you get it? Subway? Is Subway giving haircuts now? Give me a 6" Cold Cut Trio on Wheat, toasted. Everything except hot peppers. A little bit of mayonnaise. I said a little bit, Tranny! Gaaaah. Baked Lays. 

And a mohawk.

The Academy for skimping on the in memoriam segment. No Renfro? No Anna Nicole? No Charles Nelson Reilly? No Roy Scheider? No Richard Dreyfuss? No Rob Schneider ? No David Blaine? No cast of Friends? No Michael Richards? No justice, no peace, motherfuckers!

Highlifes

The banana peel they put by the podium where types of famous peeps almost bit it. 

Oscar's salute to binoculars and periscopes

Gaydolf Titler

Rage Against the Machine's PMRC protest

No Sean Penn lectures about how Jude Law is one of the 'finest actors of his generation'

No Robin Williams 

THE O-FACE

I'm feelin' the A-cads this year. I'm about to drink your milkshake. Drink it up! Other years concerned themselves with Sean Penn and what movie Sean Penn was either in or not in or how Sean Penn is the finest Phillip Seymore Hoffman of his generation or what have you, while other members of the Academy (cut to Nicholson's reaction) and such were concerned with voting in actors whom: a.) attempted retarded (cut to Jamie Foxx noticing himself being noticed) or b.) have successfully fulfilled requisite retardation for shoe-in nommies (cut to Juliette Lewis' place card ) Mind you, this is not to make light of retardation, but to further illustrate said nominee's masterful control of his or her "instrument" and/or "craft", etc. to portray special needs homies. Traditionally, executive bonuses are doled for either ethnic or Scientological actrons participating in features concerning romance, heartwarming comedy and retardation-- or the gold standard, right honorable Giovanni Ribisi Memorial Cash Settlement for the benefit of Kirstie Alley's dinner check. Fried! That was sooo Jeffrey Lyons of me. Anyway, this year is special insofar as the nominees' roles are a.) not drinking from the already dessicant well of retardtivity, b.) not making crystal meth addiction the new retarded, c.) not retarded crystal meth addicts (this gets into the murky and often frowned-upon Harmony Korine/ Crispin Glover territory) So here's my pricks for this year's movie prizes:

Best Actor (in a leading role)Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be-Blood. 

 Daniel Day-Lewis is all, "my left foot? It's broke.

 Commence to swingin' from my left nut, as if you were an 28-foot oil derrick." What? Like he wasn't thinking that? This ain't the Age of Innocence, y'all. He's got a competition in him. Besides, who's gonna step in the ring?

Viggo? Cloon-Tang clan? yeah, okay.

Best Lady Actor (leading role)-
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose. Julie Christie this, Julie

 Christie that. Julie Christie reminds me of Agatha Christie which reminds me of Nancy Drew which in turn reminds me of Miss Manners, Judith Martin, who reminds me that I ought respond to a dinner party invitation in kind, using the degree

 of formality in which the invitation was conveyed. Don't get me started on Heloise! Hey Christie, why don't you go back to your highly successful auction house and bid on yourself. You think you're on Golden Pond, bitch? Why don't you go suck face and cruise chicks at the BAFTA awards instead? Cotillard is so in-your-face on this one, it hurts. I usually wouldn't pick a lady from a foreign film as best actor with lady parts, but I'm going with Jackie on this one and riding the dark horse of Cotillard stables.

Best Supporting Actor -Javier Bardem- 

No Country For Old Men. No Competition For Bar Dem. Dude is sickening in this. Ever wish that actors were sometimes not

 actors and instead were just weird hitmen with gnarly haircuts and black polyester Levi's who they just found in Barstow and put in a movie? I was kinda bummed out that Jav was actually a pedigreed man with an acting career. Or, conversely, a pedigreed actor with a man career. Either way, I'm lucky because my friend Johnny has long hair and wears black polyester Levi's and he just likes to get stoned and listen to bubblegum music instead of relying heavily on fate and mercilessly killing people with a captive-bolt pistol.

Best Supporting Lady Actor- 

Amy Ryan- Gone Baby Gone. I guess. This is sort of like choosing your favorite air freshener. Who gives a shit if it's citrusy or flowery as long as it doesn't give you asthma? This is the category that's gonna fuck your ballot up royally. Shit is toight! Tilda Swinton has just as good a chance, but I can't pull the trigger on her- she kind of frightens me, like in an M. Night Shymalan kind of way...OK, bad example. Swinton's gonna win isn't she? Do you see my dilemma? Gone Baby Gone has to win for something, right? Or maybe not. Has anybody even seen this piece of shit?

Best Director(s)-
Joel and Ethan Coen- No Country for Old MenWhy not? I guess they seem likable, right? At least they're not as creepy as those whack-jobs, the Wachowski brothers. Not as funny as the Marx brothers, but almost as funny as the Van Dyke broughams. Anyway, the only reason I'm picking them over PT Anderson is that There Will Be Blood might kinda blow if not for DD-L. I'm trying to imagine who could replace Daniel Day-Lewis and get away with an Oscar contender. Short list: Geoffry Rush, Ian McShane, Ray Winstone...basically, anybody who was in Sexy Beast. That's abou it. And that's why No Country shall prevail!  I hope that sack of shit Schnabel doesn't pop up in there like an unwanted air-conditioning boner in pajamas and yellow-tinted wayfarers. Besides, Schnabel, I'm still holding you accountable for the Soho art scene of the late 1980's.....well, you and Keith Harring. You killed Basquiat! You stabbded him in the heart with a shard of broken plate!

Best Picture (Movie Type Motion Picture)-No Country For Old Men.
Some people are griping about the ending, but it makes perfect sense if you see it twice and not high. The whole meaning of the movie is in the title of the movie. Some critic-types like to rely on nieuance and conjecture and fancy Harvard degrees when trying to decipher meaning from certain movies- I like to read the title and/or look at the poster as context clues as to what the dumb-shit movie is about. 9 times out of 10 the title will clue you in to what it's about. For example: Jaws- while the title itself doesn't tell you it's about a giant rubber shark who eats awesome 70's tits, THE POSTER might help you out. Either way, jaws are involved in this motion picture. In the case of No Country for Old Men, Tommy Lee Jones plays what? An old man. Henceforth, this is no country for him! So what's with the soliloque at the end? He's pointing out that he'll never be able to change anything and ultimately, the country will always be filled with outlaws and mop-topped freaks who like to get they kill on. Cleanin' it up just ain't in the cards, hombre. It's just a dream, brotha. This ain't intramurals, It's the motherfuckin' badlands, for certain. Anyway, this movie spake to me more than Blood, so I give it bigger gold star.

Best Supporting MILF-
You wish, pervy.

GLARING NOMINATION OMISSIONS:
BEST ACTOR:Russell Crowe, 3:10 To Yuma
Emile Hirsch, Into the Wild
Denzel Washington, American Gangster
That little English kid, This is England 

Ruffalo, Zodiac
Sam Riley, Control

Best Picture:
Superbad

Knocked Up

Zodiac
American Gangster

Best Lady:
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd

Best Soundtrack:
There Will Be Blood- I know, there's one Brahms piece so it's dq'd, but I'm gonna go ahead and say fuck off to the academy.
Into the Wild- say what you will about edward vedder, it worked.

I'm not gonna bother with the rest. Just divy it up - coustumes and shit go to Sweeney Todd, Ratatouille.

SEE YOU AT THE MOOOVIIES!

I'd also like  to take this opportunity to say that I'm sorry for any of my Friendsters that I left hangin' for like 3 years. I promise that I'll answer your 2005 questions shortly. And in some cruel twist of fate, we shall all go back home, even though we can never go home again.