You know I love you, babies.

So, I'm new to blogging, are you supposed to do this often? Or is a month too $hort between entries? What's the protocol here?
*Sorry about the delay, I've been busy getting my Haitian doctoral degree. It's one of my many off-shore accolades that comes with a certificate suitable for framing. When someone says off-shore, do they mean in another country or do they mean some sort of oil rig that's in international waters protected by swarthy bad guys with spray-painted camouflage motor boats and mustaches? I hope it's the one with mustaches. I've also been getting my master's degree, which will undoubtedly contribute to my mastery of concerns, both domestic and abroad and even in international waters. I've also started collecting historical heirlooms from the Franklin Mint, including but not limited to: Cutty Sark: The Golden Age of Sail Nautical Watch. Don't ask me! It's my investment in America. My old man used have a stash of Cutty Sark in the game cabinet (there was also a pistol, a blindfold, an autographed copy of the Deer Hunter, a Tripoli mat, Monopoly, Aggravation, and a leather-bound copy of the Magna Carta) and I remember thinking it was Cutty SHARK, with an H, because there was a ship on the label. I was a fucking idiot when I was 30. I mean why would Shark be in all caps with an italianized H?
Anyway, here we are and I just realized that this blang is sort of like the equivalent of one of those spoof/send-up movies (Date Movie, Epic Movie) except less sincere. I guess that m
akes me the Leslie Nielsen of the internet (aside from the actual Leslie Nielsen of the internet). So this is just a lite re-tap of what's been touching me lately.
1. Catholic priests. Ah-ha-ha! Topical!
2. A while back my friend Aliccia and I decided to start a letter writing campaign to get us gigs with some famous rock bands. Here's a sample letter of mine to Lou Reed:

Dear Lou Reed,

I am writing this letter to you in hopes of joining your band. I understand that you may have a vacancy for an additional guitarist for your upcoming tour. I have been playing guitar for over two years now. I have mastered most of the barre chords, but can't really play solos so hot. I own a Mexican Fender Stratocaster that I got at a Guitar Center (not as cool as that wild thing you play without a headstock!) I have all the necessary cords and straps and a pretty loud amplifier. I've been in a few bands, you would probably have heard of Perspective or Time Tunnel if you heard of any of my bands. I have studied most of your music, however, I am not as well familiar with your work in the Velvet Underground band. To be honest, and I think honesty is important if we're going to jam together, the Velvet Underground was kinda boring and the drumming sucked (my friend Aliccia could help you out with drums, she's trying out for Can right now).

I first learned of your solo music from hearing Take A Walk On The Wild Side on one of the local rock radio stations a few years back. The disc jockey played Jackson Browne before you which made me think you might know him. Do you? No Nukes. Right? Anywa

y, it really had an impact on

me. I couldn't believe the program director of that station allowed you to say "head" (as in even when she was giving head...)! I mean they always beep out the word SHIT in that live Bob Seger song! So anyway, I bought Transformer because the cover really caught my eye (plus, it was part of the Value Series). I have to say, the back cover is a little gay, but it was the 1970's, so I guess everyone looked gay but didn't realize it. At least you don't have a story about getting your stomach pumped because you had three quarts of semen in it like Rod

Stewart did. Anyway, I just wanted to say I love your solo work and although you weren't my first choice, we should get together so you can "try me out" or whatever for your band. Or if you want to audition me over the phone, send me your phone number, I can call you or whatever.

Sincerely, Greg ********

Aliccia's Letter to Queen:

Queen address

February 23, 2006

Dear Brian May and members of Queen,

I was recently reading the Wikipedia entry on Queen and was pleased and relieved to see Brian May’s recent quote regarding the status of Paul Rodgers’ inclusion in the group. As to the question of whether Paul Rodgers is in the band, Mr. May cleared up the matter to say that Paul Rodgers would be “featured with” Queen, not replacing the late Freddie Mercury.

Understandably Mr. May and Queen have reservations in their attempted whole-hearted embrace of Paul Rodgers, not the least of which are his limitations as an instrumentalist and his promiscuous nature and penchant for tribute performance. Notably, his misguided decision to perform John Lennon’s Imagine in 2005 likely raised some confusion in the press and caused fans to question if John Lennon and Freddie Mercury were the same person. To state it bluntly, none other than he should have known better. That being said, with this letter I would like to submit my own application to join Queen. To not per say replace Freddie, but to take on his musical role and lead the band into the future. Let me start by pointing out that I have vast experience singing with a band, and I am proficient on keyboards, piano, synthesizers and rhythm guitar. My name and my enthusiasm for Queen may be already known to you from an interview with Erica Gallagher in Venus magazine in 2003 in which I am quoted as to have said that Freddie Mercury is my favorite rock star. Lest you doubt my enthusiasm for the group as a whole, although not explicitly stated by me, the further intended implication of this quote is to say that Queen is my favorite rock band.

My personal relationship with Queen’s music and what I like to call “Queen attitude” go back much earlier than this 2003 interview. I took great pleasure in performing We Are the Champions and Another One Bites The Dust at performances and events dating back to 1987. Interestingly, in the multi-instrumentalist tradition of all the original Queen members, I play the bass line to these songs on the trombone. Today I still enjoy playing and singing Queen songs whenever I get the chance. This brings me to my most interesting and compelling qualification for your consideration, which is my uncanny resemblance to Freddie Mercury. Interestingly a friend of mine even suggested that it might be in my destiny to be a member of Queen.

Not to say that I knew Freddie, but he was a performer clearly in touch with his anima. The band that he was such an integral part of would be disserving itself to not have either a gay or female member. Undoubtedly issues are raised with consideration of a female Queen member. Let me lay those to rest. In all likelihood the number one issue that comes to mind is the co-status of gender and bottom. I am not a fat bottomed girl and yet I still find no offense in the track Fat Bottom Girls and in that spirit will enjoy performing it.

I appreciate your consideration of my membership. Note that I have a very flexible schedule. I can start immediately and am available to jam basically any night of the week. For your convenience I have enclosed a recent picture of myself.

Best Regards,

Aliccia Berg

Presently of the band Slumber Party

That's it. two thingys in a month. I'll make sure the door doesn't hit me in the ass whence I walk out.

5000, Valkyries

Top 10 Things Right Now

1. Spelt. No, not the fake indie band from that handbag mixed tape (pause mix) from 1994. You know, the fake indie band that had that fake song between The La's and Oasis, because who could have predicted that Oasis would turn out to be such useless douchebags, after all, even? The grain...or, it's a grain, right? It's sort of like a mix between rice and barley, with some nuttiness to it. It might just solve your 'I don't know what to have for dinner tonight, rice or barley or nuts?' problem. I'll just skip the nuts for dinner joke, I'm too cosmopolitan for that balderdash, buttholes.

2. The Dog Show. It's sort of like a dog and pony show, but no pony. Dog people are weird. Not dog owners, Dog people. They're like werewolves but instead of fucking around with the Creature from the Black Lagoon, they eat peoples trash and work security at Target. Oddly enough, they shop at K-Mart for Tom McCann shoes, misty taupe L'eggs control-top pantyhose and Jacqueline Smith separates. But about the show, if you even just kinda like dogs, it's worthwhile. Even if your experience with dogs is primarily through watching My Dog Skip or the criminally overlooked Beethoven series-- big ups to Grodin--or jamming the Baha Men's Y2K hit, Who Let the Dogs Out? or even just calling your feet your "dogs," you'll

 love the dog show. You can see all types of dogs- from ones that are famous- Cujos, Totos, Lassies, Man's Best Friendses, Hooches, Spuds McKenzies, Alex from Stroh's, those fucked up ones from Men in Black, Cliffords and TacoBells- to ones that just think they're famous! (Go back and read that sentence again like Steven Kojocaru would) Just by listing famous dogs, you realize that there is a lot of room for new dog stars- I can't figure out why there hasn't been a dog-buddy pic that features a Cardigan Welsh Corgi, Komondor, Bouvier des Flandres, or Affenpinscher yet. It's like, what the F, Bruckheimer? Did you ever see that movie, Best in Show? Well, if you haven't, it's a Christopher Guest movie that was made back when he was funny. It's just like that except that instead of Parker Posey, you get some weird mid-state woman who heats with propane and lets her kids pretend the above-ground septic tank is a bio-fuel 4-wheeler prototype.

3. Lost- never in my whole TV life did I expect to like something that makes as little sense and is as hopelessly hopeless(no matter what plot twists and secrets are divulged, it's not supposed to end for two and a half more seasons--aprox. 58 episodes) as this made-for-TV clusterfuck. Now, I'm not as bad as some people who dabble in nerdsmanship and jam to Lost podcasts on the elliptical at the YMCA, but I'm totally into TV that insults my multiple intelligences, beguiles my mind grape, grudge fucks me, and makes me feel stupid for loving Matthew Fox......again.

4. Actress Bai Ling stealing batteries and Star magazines from the airport. I love when actresses shoplift. I think she was Asian. Free Winona!

5. Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. And the fact that they actually secured the rights to Iron Man by actual Black Sabbath and not some contrafracting karaoke version done by like I don't know, someone featuring fucking Chad Kroger. To think that RDJr. went from a gapped-tooth asshole who dumped slushie all over Gary and Wyatt at the mall to playing a 3rd-line superhero....well, everything is just coming into focus these days for us, innit?

6. J.K. livin'. Matthew MacConaughey is going global with his brand of hesher/casual beachwear line. We'll assume that the collection will be shirtless, brothers and mamas. I look forward to wearing his bandanas, flip flops, and water wings. BTW the JK part is "just keep" in JK livin'. Fool's gold, I tell ya!

7. Deathstorm 2008. For those of you thought snow was extincting due to Al Gore movies, Mother Nature's all, "suck on it, Midwest!" The Great Lakes will be one foot higher this

 Summer because of all this accumulation, which is gonna probably make a couple people get bellysmacked from diving and not accounting for the extra foot before splashdown. Ouch!

 
8.Tax Rebate Cheques. I don't know why I spelt it all Canadian. So in May, I plan on stimulating the shit out of the economy by buying $600 worth of Crystal Meth, thereby kicking off IRS Summer 2008! I'm just kidding, please don't audit me.

9. They found Moby Dick. While hanging out (skeet shooting found pirate china) near the Aleutian islands, some researchers saw a white killer whale. One of the researchers, Jeff, quickly threw his hacky sack down and rummaged through his hair to find the camera and snap one off. 

 The mythical creature then jumped out of the water, did a jazz routine, and said,"you think I'm special, you should see the giant squid or the 6-tentacled octopus, or the fresh water stingray.....hi-yo!"

 

10. Blogs. Spirit award goes to you.  I don't know how you people do it. I can't read anyone's blog all the way through. Diablo Cody's has tits even and I gave up after one paragraph of self-serving hack. They bore the shit out of me. Then again, I'm not a strong reader.